My wife and I (I’m also female) met on a dating site. I had “doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any” selected for the “kids info section” on my profile. We fell madly in love and got married a year later.
Before meeting her I had always said I didn’t want kids. Friends kept telling me I’d change my mind but I was certain I wouldn’t. During our engagement I realised my wife would like to have kids and I started coming round to the idea. Raising a child together with someone who love definitely has a very romantic appeal to it. Eventually I agree to having children together.
Fast forward several years. Our relationship starts experiencing more and more difficulties, mostly due to my as-of-yet undiagnosed adhd. My wife also has to deal with health issues that heavily impact her career path. At one point she tells me she thinks she’d rather nor have children after all and instead just focus on getting ahead in her training and career. I realise her telling me this makes me feel relieved.
Fast forward to last summer. Our relationship is doing pretty badly and I’m finally diagnosed with adhd after putting off getting help for almost a year. Not because I didn’t want to but, you know, life is busy, weeks go by and suddenly a whole year has passed.
Our relationship at this point is barely hanging by a thread. We talk about breaking up, that maybe we just don’t fit together because of our individual needs and personal baggage and trauma. But as I start medication and therapy and slowly find my tools to cope with adhd things start getting better and we feel happy in our relationship again.
At some point my wife starts talking about having children again. I ask her what about her telling me she didn’t want any after all and she tells me that she later realised that this wasn’t quite true, it just seemed “the smarter choice” but that she would actually very much like to have a kid.
Now, I really like children and am very good with them. The reason I never wanted any was that I didn’t want this kind of responsibility. I came around to the idea with my wife and I can see the attraction the idea has but I also realise that I myself don’t have any desire to have kids, from within myself. I was more like my wife wanted them and I didn’t feel as strongly opposed anymore to the point where I started to imagine it as a beautiful idea. But also that when she told me she didn’t want to have kids, that this would still be the option I think I’d prefer.
I think I’m slowly starting to cope better with my adhd but it’s still a struggle just to maintain a “normal adult” level of coping with day-to-day stuff. I can’t imagine adding the additional load of raising a child to this. I know kids can be great but even parents who wanted to have kids and are happy tell you that it’s super exhausting and requires a lot of planning and logistics. I don’t think I want that, I feel like regular adult life is already exhausting enough for me.
Two weeks ago my wife asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to have kids. We couldn’t continue the talk at that moment and are in the middle of a few extremely stressful weeks but I like, once they are over, we need to have a talk. I brought up my concern about adhd and she said that I was constantly getting better and that one year from now things that are still a struggle for me now probably won’t be a struggle anymore. That’s probably true but when that happens I’ll be happy as it is and don’t want to add additional stress to my life by having a kid.
Many of our friends have recently had kids and I think this is also affecting my wife. I feel bad about agreeing to have kids a few years ago and now realising I don’t think I want to have them after all. I can imagine having kids to be a beautiful experience but I think I just don’t want to have any after all, I think the stress and exhaustion would break me :(
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Kids do not improve a relationship, they test it. And you really sound like your relationship is shaky at best, I’m sorry if that’s harsh. It sounds unfair to bring a child into this situation when it’s clearly a choice
If you have kids and your relationship doesn’t survive, will you both be able to coparent efficiently and amicably? Will you be able to be a present parent without your wife (emotionally available, not just filling their physical needs)? Will you be prepared to be a solo parent every other week?
A lot of people can manage way more than they think they can. I always feel on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown, and then life gets harder and I still feel the same way…and then life gets easier and I still feel the same way. So don’t let fear hold you back if this is what you want. But also don’t do it unless you actually want to. And definitely don’t do it while in a rocky relationship as it is.
I am voluntarily child free. I love kids and think they deserve way more than I’m able to give full time. I’ve found other ways to be present and make a positive impact on children’s lives: I’ve been watching friends babies (in their home and around their neighborhood) for a few hours a day for the first bunch of months. I’ve helped kids do homework every day after school when they’ve struggled with a subject. I’ve held recurring after-school activities for all the neighbours kids (stuff like LAN/gaming, or scrapbooking, or play football/soccer). If you dare to butt in you can find plenty of opportunities to interact as an adult with kids without having your own… being the village etc.
I’d absolutely recommend you both try spending more time with kids as a responsible adult (not just the fun auntie, and not just with babies). Volunteer at a library for after-school activities. Contact the local scouts or little league sports. Get to know neighbours. Get involved with friends and family. Consider registering as a support family (not fostering full time but being a reliable presence for the kids), if you have something similar.
It might show you something about yourselves, (maybe it actually invigorates you or maybe she doesn’t really enjoy interacting with kids outside the baby phase), but most of all try to just be a stable and supportive presence and see if that isn’t fulfilling enough in it’s own way.
If you don’t want kids, you really should listen to that and not be swayed by other sentiments IMHO. You can’t expect your wife to do all the heavy lifting; you will need to step up. And it is hard and unrelenting work to raise children. It’s okay if that’s something you were wanting to do as it can become a source of meaning. If you don’t want to be there it will feel like a trap and there will not be a way out of it. I appreciate that this might mean that you and your wife would need to separate so she could have a chance to have children without you. Its just that important that you go into having children really wanting to do it because if you dont want to do it it will hurt everyone.
I don’t think my wife would separate to have kids with someone else (other factors I don’t want to go into), I think she would stay with me and feel unhappy about not having kids :(
Another factor is, I feel like there’s still something wrong with our relationship dynamic. Although things have been getting better I feel like there’s still something that’s not working right and (a) I think we need to figure out what is is and fix it and (b) I think having children would make this dynamic even worse.
I’m sorry but I need to blubber a bit in self pity, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything atm. I feel like my wife should have met someone else instead of me. I feel like a failure and constant burden. Even though I’m trying hard I feel like I can’t become the reliable adult that she wants to be with and that she deserves.
You really have to both want children, it cannot just be to make the other happy. Having a kid is life changing. My wife and I both wanted a kid and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It definitely does not strengthen or fix relationships, any problems get amplified and many more new ones are added due to the extra responsibility placed upon both of you.
I wouldn’t ever want to go back because I wanted a child and she’s amazing. It has taken everything I had though. If I hadn’t wanted kids and just did it for my wife then it would have been unbearable.
Hey. Just because you are different doesn’t mean you’re a burden. You don’t deserve to feel like that. Nobody should make you feel like that.
Even if these feelings aren’t coming from external factors I want you to know you’re not a burden and asking for help and advice is hard and I’m proud of you that you did so. Nobody has all the answers. Even the most put together people have struggles. They have things they aren’t good at.
Part of human nature is needing other people sometimes. Part of human nature is not being a good fit for every situation. You’re enough. You’re good enough. I know sometimes there’s a little voice that says terrible things about you in your head. That voice is wrong.
That being said, take time for yourself to figure things out. You’ve got time. You have a lot to process. Hug.
Thank you so much <3 This really means a lot. I just… I often feel like my partner should be with someone who’s a natural at caring for others and managing the mental load. Whereas I… she had often said that being with me is like being with a teenager, and I can see what she means. I try to be reliable and become better at “adulting” but it’s a constant struggle and sometimes I feel like it would be better if I just were and stayed single because I’m not sure I’m even capable of carrying the responsibility that comes with being in a serious, committed, adult relationship.
If you feel there are other issues to be solved. Definitely solve those first before proceeding.
It can be a nightmare. Without the extra stress of a child, we were very functional and undiagnosed, and things were going well. But the difference between Captain Picard and The Joker is 3 hours less sleep.
The only way this could ever have worked would have been with intensive individual counseling plus couple counseling.
Now I’m in a great place, as a single parent on peak treatment and with a good job. But the old person died in that struggle, broke completely and didn’t make it through. I’m something new, inhabiting the old body, someone who can do this.
Love the way you wrote about it all, can relate so much even though my experience is probably more affected by the autism part than my adhd.
Sometimes I miss being that old me, but I gained so much more I would never ever want to miss again.
For my part, there’s joy again living life even though the everyday can still be a struggle. But it’s less coping, you just manage.
Then, being mirrored as much by a kid is a great learning experience to better understand yourself and your own family, which I am very thankful for. And there now are some moments of living that ‘old’ self again with the extra bonus of being able to share and teach some of the niche interests to someone you love dearly, which is kind of healing
Thank you! That is encouraging.
My wife and kid have ADHD and raising just one is genuinely the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted, and I have been fortunate enough to rely on the strongest romantic bond of anyone I know. A kid with hyperactivity, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction and all is just constant stress. Getting them help is expensive and takes forever. We’ve been on a waitlist for a year after fronting rent money to get him evaluated.
I also have ADHD and am in a similar struggle. I’m male and my wife really wants to have kids. I wanted that too in the past, but I’m very afraid of not being able to handle the constant stress. Eventhough I’m medicated, I still have days frequently, where everything’s just too much. Throwing a child into the mix and I feel like I would probably have to put myself into a closed psychiatric.
So I can not help you there I’m afraid. But what caught my eye is, that you say your relationship is / was hanging by a thread. That’s absolutely not a good base for getting children. Broken or weak relationships won’t get stronger with a child. They’ll break sooner or later and then the kid has to cope with divorced parents. I know you said that you both feel better now, but please keep that in mind and be sure, that you are strong together before getting a child, because it will get stressful and will test you and your relationship.
I wish you all the best though and what ever your final decision will be, it will be the correct one.
Have you and your wife talked about this? If so, what has her reaction been to you preferring not to have kids after all / being very hesitant about it?
Sorry for my late reply. Yes we’ve talked about that but the result is essentially that I either have to get it together and deal with having kids in the future, or she’ll leave. From her side it’s not an option to not have kids—currently at least.
It sounds like perhaps you only agreed to children because you love this person and want them to be happy. When you discovered.that perhaps they could be happy without the kids you were relieved. But the other person in this relationship should also be willing to do things to make you happy. And it doesn’t seem like this is what’s happening. To me it seems like she has decided that having children would make her happy and is ignoring the fact that it wouldn’t make you happy to serve her own happiness.
I think it is unreasonable to manipulate you with what might be when there are no guarantees that you will be “better enough” in a years time or five years time or whenever. Sounds to me like you’ve done some introspection and figured out that you would prefer not to and you have valid reasons which include that you just don’t want them. That’s fine.
Now it’s time for her to decide if she can live with that. Because while everyone i currently know who didn’t want children but ended up with children (including myself) is having a reasonably okay go of things, that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t be happer without children. It also doesn’t mean that their spouses could be happy without having children.
The talk you need to have, in my opinion, is one about how to compromise on those things.
I never birthed any kids. I never wanted kids. But I did end up married to someone who already had a kid and my kid is awesome. I had the benefit of getting to know him. I had the benefit of going into everything knowing that the kid was a deal breaker (he was part of the package, so if I didn’t want that I should walk away).
Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean sacrificing your stability and the time you need to relearn who you are (because getting diagnosed and treated/ medicated is a process in recognizing behaviors you have inherently or have developed and coming to terms with the fact that a lot of the things you knew about yourself might have just been masking behaviors). Just because she sees improvements in your ability to manage tasks and regulate emotions etc doesn’t mean that you aren’t still struggling or that you’re in the right place to have kids. The truth of it is, even other neurodivergent people don’t necessarily know your individual struggle, even if we can better relate.
Her evaluation of your situation is one sided and colored by her own wants. She is not objective.
If you don’t want children, don’t make that decision just because she does.
I think you’re right. I think I agreed to having children because I wanted to make my wife happy and because it does have a romantic appeal to it. But I think that I myself would prefer not to have children. I felt deeply relieved when she told me she didn’t want kids after all. When I’m on my “meds high” I can imagine myself having kids and enjoying it but as soon as my meds wear off I’m back to “I’d rather not”.
Diagnosed but unmedicated here. With Kids and “neurotypical” spouse. I love them all so much. It is exhausting. Everytime they wanted to add another family member I was like “no this would be too much”. Also because of my fear that I could not do them justice. Then we had another family member. Also my spouse is awesome and does jump in when I’m unable to (that happens way more often than I’d like. its up and down. She still has a hard time understanding sometimes).
Well I it is hard. We had to go through alot of shit. But I learned soooo much! I am happy in ways I never would have guessed.
But you have to realize that in 10 years you will be different people with differing needs. There will be change and learning. About yourself. About your spouse. Looots of it. Much more than if we only stayed together as a couple. You will have to deal with the fact your child, that felt like like part of your heart, is it’s own person.
All I can tell you is: my life would have been emotionally poorer and lonelier.
The biggest question you need to ask yourself is can you imagine yourself being happy, being a parent? And for your partner, can she do the same with no kids.
I have also found many people can flipflop about having or not having kids. My best friend went from always wanting to never wanting during the same time my sister who never wanted anything to do with kids suddenly did and gaslights us into believing she always did.
What i mean to say is, you cannot really trust what people say on the matter. Biology can push buttons either way. Never blame people for perceivably having changed their mind about this.
But on the adhd part:
I am part of a very neurodivergent family. The autism and ad(h)d is part of my inheritance. And my partner is on the spectrum too.
We have multiple kids. And while we both knew we wanted kids and i ideally loved to have a big family i was incredibly scared to expand further mostly because i did not want to lose what we manage to have at that point. Just being able to handle one was beyond my teenage expectations. Just like being able to handle another was beyond my expectation. Now if i was asked if i would make the same choice i would say of course i would. That they showed me to be able to handle beyond my own original expectations is my biggest achievement in life.
But Neurodivergent life is tough, remains tough, having a bad time in your life is tough. Being a parent on top of that is exponentially tough. Both parents having a tough time? Now you are in for a real bad time.
But is that not also true for life and all parents divergent or not? Every life choice you make will always be more than just roses.
Also, for many neurodivergent people its easier to take care of others then themselves (is this true for you?). When you and your partner organise around kids you may benefit from the same structure. For example my own food intake became more structured (and healthy) since.
Neurodivergence also comes with bonuses like thinking outside the box which can make some parenting challenges significantly easier.
There is a certain unpredictability and chaos in parenting which can be scary but is usually where adhd can really thrive.
There is no ultimately no “correct” way to parent either. Every parent i know is just trying what they believe is right for a specific kid and no one, not even children in the same household are raised identically to another.
With that said there are many guides and books for adhd parents specifically.
So concluding.
I want you to know your adhd is not the limiting factor on whether you can or can not have kids.
What matters is where you and your partner would both have the best chance to find happiness, even if that involves one of you choosing for something personally less ideal and even if that does mean going separate ways.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
