My wife and I (I’m also female) met on a dating site. I had “doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any” selected for the “kids info section” on my profile. We fell madly in love and got married a year later.
Before meeting her I had always said I didn’t want kids. Friends kept telling me I’d change my mind but I was certain I wouldn’t. During our engagement I realised my wife would like to have kids and I started coming round to the idea. Raising a child together with someone who love definitely has a very romantic appeal to it. Eventually I agree to having children together.
Fast forward several years. Our relationship starts experiencing more and more difficulties, mostly due to my as-of-yet undiagnosed adhd. My wife also has to deal with health issues that heavily impact her career path. At one point she tells me she thinks she’d rather nor have children after all and instead just focus on getting ahead in her training and career. I realise her telling me this makes me feel relieved.
Fast forward to last summer. Our relationship is doing pretty badly and I’m finally diagnosed with adhd after putting off getting help for almost a year. Not because I didn’t want to but, you know, life is busy, weeks go by and suddenly a whole year has passed.
Our relationship at this point is barely hanging by a thread. We talk about breaking up, that maybe we just don’t fit together because of our individual needs and personal baggage and trauma. But as I start medication and therapy and slowly find my tools to cope with adhd things start getting better and we feel happy in our relationship again.
At some point my wife starts talking about having children again. I ask her what about her telling me she didn’t want any after all and she tells me that she later realised that this wasn’t quite true, it just seemed “the smarter choice” but that she would actually very much like to have a kid.
Now, I really like children and am very good with them. The reason I never wanted any was that I didn’t want this kind of responsibility. I came around to the idea with my wife and I can see the attraction the idea has but I also realise that I myself don’t have any desire to have kids, from within myself. I was more like my wife wanted them and I didn’t feel as strongly opposed anymore to the point where I started to imagine it as a beautiful idea. But also that when she told me she didn’t want to have kids, that this would still be the option I think I’d prefer.
I think I’m slowly starting to cope better with my adhd but it’s still a struggle just to maintain a “normal adult” level of coping with day-to-day stuff. I can’t imagine adding the additional load of raising a child to this. I know kids can be great but even parents who wanted to have kids and are happy tell you that it’s super exhausting and requires a lot of planning and logistics. I don’t think I want that, I feel like regular adult life is already exhausting enough for me.
Two weeks ago my wife asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to have kids. We couldn’t continue the talk at that moment and are in the middle of a few extremely stressful weeks but I like, once they are over, we need to have a talk. I brought up my concern about adhd and she said that I was constantly getting better and that one year from now things that are still a struggle for me now probably won’t be a struggle anymore. That’s probably true but when that happens I’ll be happy as it is and don’t want to add additional stress to my life by having a kid.
Many of our friends have recently had kids and I think this is also affecting my wife. I feel bad about agreeing to have kids a few years ago and now realising I don’t think I want to have them after all. I can imagine having kids to be a beautiful experience but I think I just don’t want to have any after all, I think the stress and exhaustion would break me :(
If you have kids and your relationship doesn’t survive, will you both be able to coparent efficiently and amicably? Will you be able to be a present parent without your wife (emotionally available, not just filling their physical needs)? Will you be prepared to be a solo parent every other week?
A lot of people can manage way more than they think they can. I always feel on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown, and then life gets harder and I still feel the same way…and then life gets easier and I still feel the same way. So don’t let fear hold you back if this is what you want. But also don’t do it unless you actually want to. And definitely don’t do it while in a rocky relationship as it is.
I am voluntarily child free. I love kids and think they deserve way more than I’m able to give full time. I’ve found other ways to be present and make a positive impact on children’s lives: I’ve been watching friends babies (in their home and around their neighborhood) for a few hours a day for the first bunch of months. I’ve helped kids do homework every day after school when they’ve struggled with a subject. I’ve held recurring after-school activities for all the neighbours kids (stuff like LAN/gaming, or scrapbooking, or play football/soccer). If you dare to butt in you can find plenty of opportunities to interact as an adult with kids without having your own… being the village etc.
I’d absolutely recommend you both try spending more time with kids as a responsible adult (not just the fun auntie, and not just with babies). Volunteer at a library for after-school activities. Contact the local scouts or little league sports. Get to know neighbours. Get involved with friends and family. Consider registering as a support family (not fostering full time but being a reliable presence for the kids), if you have something similar.
It might show you something about yourselves, (maybe it actually invigorates you or maybe she doesn’t really enjoy interacting with kids outside the baby phase), but most of all try to just be a stable and supportive presence and see if that isn’t fulfilling enough in it’s own way.