My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.

  • whaleross@lemmy.world
    14415·
    6 days ago

    1. Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.

    2. Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.

    3. Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.

    4. You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)

    5. Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.

    6. Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.

    Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.

    Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don’t rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don’t go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.

    • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      4515·
      6 days ago

      There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.

      He betrayed family to get laid

      • whaleross@lemmy.world
        2410·
        6 days ago

        Point number 2. Read it again.

        As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.

        They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.

          • whaleross@lemmy.world
            146·
            6 days ago

            Exactly. She moved in after. You are absolutely correct. 10/10 reading comprehension.

            It would be unusual if she moved in before the ex wife moved out.

                • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
                  92·
                  6 days ago

                  No, I misread the final sentence. I still agree with everything I said, it was just slightly out of context so I withdrew it

                  But go off just being a dick

                  • whaleross@lemmy.world
                    67·
                    6 days ago

                    Right. I’m the dick that says op should not let themselves be caught in the middle of their parents messy divorce in ways that they might regret later in life and you are the one advocating op go no contact despite us not knowing barely anything about what has been going on or why because this is your hill to show off your moral high ground and insert yourself in some drama that you are immune of consequences. Sure, dude. I’m the dick.

                  • whaleross@lemmy.world
                    42·
                    6 days ago

                    Yeah, I get you and I agree. I already mentioned in another comment that OP is included in point two and it is ok that they have strong feelings about this. It grinds my gears though when people on social media go full binary in driving other people’s lives into the gutter because they can project themselves as morally superior or whatever other reason. That’s me point two right there.

    • Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.orgEnglish
      201·
      6 days ago

      I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.

      • whaleross@lemmy.world
        111·
        6 days ago

        Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.

    • josefo@leminal.space
      161·
      6 days ago

      I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:

      • Your mom is now alone, and probably feels like you are choosing him instead of her. She must feel very rejected as a person, betrayal is not something you easily recover from, the more time they spent together, the harder it is to separate yourself from the situation. She will eventually get better, but take into consideration that she is desperate now.
      • Depending on how old are you, I would suggest leaving your house, either to go with your mom (see above) or living alone/with roomates if you are an adult. Your dad bringing the woman to your house raises some big red flags to me. Something is not right there, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

      That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.

    • Alxe@lemmy.world
      102·
      6 days ago

      Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.

      All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.

      • whaleross@lemmy.world
        51·
        6 days ago

        Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.

      • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        99·
        6 days ago

        One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.

        Such a difficult choice.