Nice one, me likey! A tad dark and hopeless, but most good art masquerades suffering. Anyhow: thanks for sharing!
I’m just starting with writing, and it feels a bit cluttered. So any pointers would be appreciated!!! Thank you
Got no pointers to offer. I’m just a connoisseur of art, no judge. But cluttered? Nah, I wouldn’t say so.
But I, personally, wouldn’t tweak much anyway. The more you fiddle around, the more the original feeling you wanted to convey might thin out or even vanish.
Graf vision here. Good rhythm, the structure is musical. Succinct and quite evocative. I like it.
I would only question if you meant deliberate? And if you would like to go with adrifts or adrift?
I like the imagery of a murmur coiled like a frail animal on the edge of something.
