I’m a 40-year old dude with… let’s say, plenty of issues. Most of them stemming from childhood but adulthood has been equally painful so far.
I’ve been looking into self-help a lot lately and notice that many techniques tell you to focus on a person whom you consider an example, a role model you want to emulate.
The problem is, I don’t have any. None. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who offed himself when I was 15. My mother did her best but was a neurotic wreck with many untreated mental health issues of her own. She eventually found a new partner whom I looked up to for many years since he was finally that role model I thought I needed.
But a few years ago he tried to seduce my own partner (which luckily didn’t succeed), resulting in my esteem for him immediately imploding completely.
In the greater world, outside of my own little atmosphere, there aren’t really any actors or business people or coworkers, bosses, teachers… that I’ve looked up to or ever had any kind of relationship with. Sure, there are many people I admire for whatever they may have contributed to humanity, but that doesn’t mean they’re some kind of shining example in every area of their lives.
I guess I’m just trying to communicate that I’m a 40-year old dude with daddy issues and I have no idea how to healthily cope with it or even fix it.
Before anyone asks, I’m on a waiting list for professional treatment. Been a month, 5 more to go (in a best case scenario).
How did others cope with this specifically? Did you have any insights in what ideas to emulate or how to handle certain difficulties in life through the lens of a mentor? Is it even desirable or is it just another crutch for the weak-minded to cope with, well, being weak-minded?
Dear Kyrgizion, first a virtual hug (or whatever you are comfortable with) from an internet stranger.
I will share my thoughts freely, take what you need and throw away the rest, these are the results of my own meditations.
We are all humans, and humans are imperfect. I don’t think there is anyone that is a shining example in all areas, but some people are better than others in some areas, and you can use them as limited models.
Let’s think of Steve Jobs for example: he was a visionary, he was passionate about his job and was a great communicator. Those are all things we can admire of him. He was also short-tempered, had a god complex, and believed in dubious “medicines” that ended up killing him. This are also things we should recognize of him. Then, don’t throw the whole model away, just recognize that it’s a limited model.
In the same way, you can look at people in your own life and notice the pieces of them you like. Then you can strive to be like them, limited to those parts.
You could look at your neighbor that’s always smiling, and you could strive to be more positive. That doesn’t mean that that person is perfect in every other way. This also can help in realizing that the bad of people around you is just one of their facets. They are humans, they also have hood in them.
Don’t think of who to look up to, think about who you want to be. You clearly know what is right or wrong. Aim to be the guy you want to. Don’t like cheating? Don’t cheat. Like honesty? Be honest. The plus side is it is simple, you know what is right and you learn to respect yourself. Also be honest with your self and willing to learn and improve.
A book I found nice was No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. The focus is on living by your integrity etc.
I’m in a similar boat. I decided to become a role model, if not for myself then for others who needed it. I’m bipolar so I use my lifetime experience to help others through tough times. I’m physically strong so I use my knowledge of training to help others. I’ve learned a lot of skills so I make sure to teach those skills to others.
You can’t change what happened in the past and you cant insert people who weren’t there. Forget it all. Be your own ideal role model and let others look up to you. People like us are stronger than “normal” people for what we’ve been through and had to cope with. We’re not the norm, we’re the ideal.
I think that defining your idea of a role model could be an interesting long-term project. Ask yourself questions like: What kind of traits do you think a role model should have? What kind of careers or hobbies do you think would attract a person with these traits? What kind of books or documentaries can you find that will introduce you to people like this? What are the things they do that you want to emulate? What other traits do they have that you didn’t initially consider? Where might you find people like this in your real life?
You might not find a single perfect role model to look up to, but hopefully you’ll learn more about what kind of person you want to be.
I’m not an expert, but a role-model sounds bad to me, especially when it comes to idolizing a person.
You are the person you are. You absolutely shouldn’t try becoming a copycat of someone else.
Better track down your problems, get an overview and try solving them, one at a time.
Had roughly the same childhood as you and a lot of troubles after I left that wreck of a “home” and didn’t start working on me before I became 40 (mid 50s now) - in short over the years I’ve become my own role model. I’m by no means perfect but that’s not necessary - I’m no longer toxic and destructive (my 20s were a dumpster fire in every regard), and there’s quite a lot of people who like me the way I am now, some even love me, and that’s what life is about.
Don’t be too harsh on you, and don’t focus too much on any ideals - pretty sure you already are on the right way. You don’t need any role models - you are a role model now, especially at that age.
I wish you all the best.
Huh I always feel like it’s easy to say that you can be yourself and it will be fine, but it doesn’t hold to reality.
I’ve been myself my whole life (36 now). I’ve been alone my whole life, and at this point I doubt I can do anything about it. My job is shit, but branching away would be an ordeal.
I tried for so long to be my own self, but now I feel like a failure and this would mean that my own self is a failure. Yet I did everything “right”.
I’m not depressed anymore. But I’m not away from that dead end either.
What I know is that I can’t just be myself. I need to be more social, to seek people more than I am comfortable doing, to do things I don’t particularly like. Or I’ll stay in my hole of lonelyness.
“just be yourself” imply strong social skills, and often an already strong basis for your life to go. It’s hypocritical or delusional for people who don’t have these resources and skills. You need both before you can be yourself and get a comfortable life.
If you’re missing resources, you need help. If you’re missing social skills, you need either help or a model.
Amen. I feel like “just be yourself” is toxic advice because “being myself” is what go me in this entire mess in the first place. If I’d been someone else, I’d have been much better off.
In my experience, there are very very few people who are shining examples in all walks of life. I look at everyone as a role model, things to do as well as those not to do. There are lessons to be learned from everyone, some people only teach you how not to be.
Well you can look for positive male role models in media. Check out Madame Secretary on Netflix for the character Henry, and check out Ted Lasso on Apple TV. Just some quick suggestions.
I sort of felt the same about my parents before I really did some reflection on who they were as children and how they were raised vs. how they raised me, and even how the generations before them handed down patterns of abuse that they worked hard to stop in their parenting of my siblings and me. It doesn’t mean that everything was perfect. They still made mistakes that I can see as an adult who has raised children, but they also didn’t have the benefit of all the knowledge I have now due to advancements in psychology and the decent education they didn’t afford themselves because they were very young parents, but made sure I got.
Now, when I look back at who they were as people and parents I can see that they were not the best role models I could have asked for, but good people in their hearts, who tried to make sure I didn’t suffer the same sort of childhood they had. My childhood was still not easy but it was better than what they had experienced because all they had to learn from were negative role models, too. We’re all doing the best we can with the information we have.
If you try to frame it as everyone making small bits of incremental progress away from those bad role models with each generational shift, you can see the progress you have made, and that your parents made from their bad role models.
I am glad you will be going to therapy soon. Journaling and meditation will probably help you to work out your thoughts on tough topics while you are waiting, too. I started a therapy journal while I was waiting, where I wrote down what had happened that had messed up my life enough that I needed therapy. It was helpful for both me and my counselor.
I’m on the same boat, humanity in general disappoints me. I sometimes admire certain characters of other animals, or simply physical laws. But someone once told me, if there’s no one you view as a role model, you can be your own role model.
People can often disappoint. I’m sorry the ones you’ve run into have been those types.
But if there are no role models, have you considered being one? Not for yourself - that ship may have sailed, and it sucks. But perhaps there are others to whom YOU could be a role model for. You could be the person you should have had
Is there literally no one who impresses you, whom you can admire?
It might be that admiration has been mixed with envy in your mind. Maybe start looking at people you don’t like, and see if you can separate them into (1) ones you think are morally bad, (2) ones you simply don’t like as a matter of taste, and (3) ones whose success threatens you.
I think that if there’s no one in the world whom you admire, the people you admire might be hiding in category 3, and the ones in category 3 may look like they belong in category 1.
If you’re having a hard time separating category 1 out to find the 3s, then as an exercise you could sort a short list of say four or five people by comparing them like “which of these two people would be more likely to be someone I admire?”
I’m also 40, and I will say that I started to more easily identify people that I admire after I joined a men’s group. Really I just had to unfreeze my heart by healing a lot of trauma, before I could start feeling positive emotions about other men, and positive emotions other than lust about women.
After a few years of going at it hard weekly, I’ve now got a much easier time admiring people. For example I told a manager at my workplace that I admire his calm demeanor when shit’s hitting the fan, and the way he gets right to the point when something is off.
Is he a superhero to me? No. But he’s got some admirable qualities, and it didn’t feel gay or pathetic or weird for me to tell him that.
Speaking of superheroes, you’re allowed to admire fictional characters too. Are there any people from fiction you really admire?
I admire Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation, for example, and Luo Ji from The Three Body Problem.
