It’s something I’ve heard a lot, and it’s obviously a compliment and meant to be nice. But I’m probably never going to have kids of my own and I just think of the father I could have been.
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I’m sorry you are hurting. From someone with a lot of kids - sometimes what kids need is a trusted adult who isn’t their parent. Or even a parent. My kids are all fighting for the position of childless aunt or uncle. You don’t need to spawn kids for ‘being good with kids’ to be an asset.
But also as someone with lots of kids - if you want to raise or help kids there are ways to do that even if you don’t personally want to reproduce. Half of mine came to me through marriage, and half those my husband adopted from a previous relationship. There is adoption, fostering, Big Brother, Guardian ad Litem, childless people ARE important to children, never doubt it.
I don’t want kids personally, so I don’t know how the thought of never having them hurts you, nor how much this will help, but this is my experience:
I will never have kids of my own. Because of this, I have the time, energy and want to be a positive adult influence in a lot more childrens lives than if I had to raise just a couple of them full time.
And I don’t mean just giving cool gifts intermittently, I mean discussing life and death, practicing managing emotions and using empathy, and building confidence and self-reliance through play and conversations. Talking about source checking, the effects of advertising, including hidden advertising in social media/influencers, and practicing body positivity. Working out how to handle peer-pressure, how to change your mind even if you’ve gone along with something, to say no when you’re uncomfortable, and how to apologise when you’ve been unkind or even accidentally hurt someone.
There are so many things that kids need to practice over and over, and so many things they may not (want to) listen to their parents about, but other adults are still cool (especially at certain ages). That’s where we come in. The other adults. The positive adult influences. The ones who are really good with kids, and with the ability to be really good to more than just descendants.
are you referring to doing this with nieces and nephews? Ipm just curious how are you planning to do this without children of your own
I’m just curious, not challeging your plan in any way
I socialize with relatives and friends, but mostly neighbours kids.
I usually take a break from work to play or do crafts together when they get back from school, and sometimes outings or projects on weekends - like go to a soccer field, or having a picnic, or cleaning up our communal spaces outdoors, or picking fruit to share with our elderly neighbours… parents often join weekend activities as well. I help with homework/studying a couple of hours a week when it’s needed, be it maths or practicing for a dance recital (including how to deal with potentially messing up in front of everyone).
Don’t know if I’d call it a plan, it kinda just happened one part at a time… I love having a community, but it doesn’t happen unless people are actively building it. So I just figure out what I can do to be an active (and safe!) part at any given moment, and go from there.
I spend a lot of time at home (WFH) and enjoy being outside, so I have a lot of opportunities to get to know my neighbours. I think kids are easy to talk to, and so I make it a point to introduce myself to the adults around me as well, especially the parents so they know who I am and where I live, and give them my number so we can keep in touch. I try to help when I can: fixing a bicycle chain, going out with an umbrella to someone waiting for the bus outside, looking for a missing pet, or filing an insurance claim correctly.
And I think this is kinda important: I didn’t let neighbourhood kids go inside my home for a long time, and then not unless the parents knew me already or knew where their kids were… and I kept the front door open whenever kids were visiting so the parents could find them easily and we would hear them calling out. I still stick to this even though I’m well known by now, but with some exceptions (like during horrendous weather).
I am lucky to live where kids roam and parents are mostly open to stop for a chat when invited, I’ve prioritised being able to work from home and on my own time over other perks/bonuses, and I’ve challenged my social discomfort a lot to carve out this role for myself in the community.
Same boat, OP. Same boat. I have wanted to be a dad since I was tiny. Like, so bad. And it will likely never happen for me. I’m 34, and I get told by all my friends with kids how great I am with them, how good an uncle I am. And that’s nice. But it hurts. It hurts a lot.
I heavily leaned on parental figures outside my family. I know it’s not the same and you’re obviously still hurting because of what you feel like you’ve lost, but you can be a parent in many different ways.
Ive been told the same but I actively dislike kids. Not to the kids, but adults that spend any time around me know to keep kids away from me.
Honesty told, theres always a possibility of you having children regardless. Fostering mostly and adoption are the 2 routes than need the most help, then theres being a step parent and lastly semen extraction and insemination.
Not having kids is not a detriment to your life
