I have a couple friends like this. Live with their moms, over 25, never had a job or anything. Only plays games. I feel so bad for them because they don’t think they are smart but they definitely are, they just dont spend their time wisely.

Im not judging. That life sounds great when youre young. But I dont want them to wake up at 35 and be even more depressed because they’ve never done anything in life.

It would be well and good if they were happy like this but they definitely aren’t. Im just not sure how someone like that could even integrate into society. I give them advice here and there and sometimes talk about jobs with them, but they are also self proclaimed “lazy” and never really branch out to try new things. I try to send them links to code camps and stuff like that i think they’ll enjoy, but they dont do it. I’ve offered to hang out with them when im their town (we’ve been friends for years and know each other very well so this isnt weird) but they cant drive either which makes ir hard.

I already know most replies wil be “ITS FINE TO HAVE A BORING LIFE LEAVE THEM ALONE AND STOP TRYING TO “SAVE” THEM” but a boring life is different than a healthy life, imo.

Edit: i knew there’d be a lot of misinterpretation and people self reflecting on their own lives as a result of this post. Regardless, I am glad for the discussion. Thank you to those of you who had constructive comments instead of outright attacks.

  • underreacting
    1·
    18 hours ago

    Next time they talk bad about themselves (saying they are stupid etc), you can tell them that it’s bothering you to hear that, because you like them and want them to be happy feel good about themselves.

    You can ask them if they are happy with life, and if they like themselves.

    Then instead of asking what they want to do, start with asking who they would like to be. What personality traits would make them feel good about themselves? How would they feel if they could see themselves as someone who tries instead of someone who is lazy, or as someone who is clever or knowledgeable or studious or learning, instead of stupid (or whatever they just called themselves)?

    And, before giving any sort of suggestions or solutions or tips (that is the hard part!), ask if you can make give some tips and if they’re open to discussions/ideas. Confirm what you’ve learnt in the conversation (they dislike X and would want to feel Y, you care for them and want to support them in feeling better about X or working towards feeling Y), maybe even thank them for being so open/vulnerable/honest with you, and that you would like to work on this with them if they’ll let you.

    If they say they are happy where they are and would not want anything to be different, or if they don’t want help when you ask to give it (this is the hardest part) - drop it. You can mention that you’re always ready to bounce ideas if they change their mind later, but then you change the subject. Don’t give any tips or hints or anything, unless they ask for it. If you find something that might be in their wheelhouse, ask if they want the info before you pass it on (“I saw that they have a gaming club at the library, is that something you’re interested in/curious about?” Or “I got a flyer for a coding camp, do you want me to send it to you?”).

    Finally, try to avoid the “you should try it”-finisher after talking about something fun you’ve done. If they think it sounds fun enough they can ask about more details, but if you suggest it the whole story might just turn from something fun to something else they should (but never will) do.

    And finally finally: sometimes people grow apart. If they’re not putting effort into the friendship you don’t have to carry the whole relationship. Hopefully you still have fun together and the care and attention goes both ways, but if it’s not it’s absolutely fine to redirect your energy to other people who might be valuing your time and energy and enjoy your company more, and develop those relationships instead.