I feel like I need to get this off my chest…

I started transitioning 5 years ago and at this point, I 100% pass, except for voice and a very slight beard shadow (that for some reason no one but me notices).

I feel completely scared about Lesbian spaces, and Cis women in particular. The few times I went out there (which was in the first 2 years of my transition), I’ve had horrible experiences.

It ranges from a few agonizing glances you get occasionally, up to outright comments about “this is a women only space btw”.

I’ve also often noticed how cis lesbians seem to treat me differently when it comes to romantical and sexual interest. The moment it’s revealed that I’m trans, things seem to shift. “Oh, I’ve never tried this”, “oh, that’s interesting, kinda”, quite often there’s the question about bottom surgery (“this might be a bit intimate to ask, but…”), and sometimes even outright ghosting or immediate disinterest.

I feel like this is the last, and yet hardest mountain to climb, to the point where I just feel too frustrated to even try, accepting the fact that, well… I will probably always remain a trans woman, and won’t fit in to those societies that I so heavily relate to when I can keep my pseudonimity.

And yeah, T4T is a thing, it’s pretty much the only thing I got going at this point…

Can anyone relate? Has anyone managed to overcome this hurdle?

  • riwo@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    1·
    1 year ago

    ngl cis ppl and cis lesbians in particular treating trans ppl or trans fems badly or weird is a problem with them and not with us. it sucks they are like that but this shouldn’t be a reason to change and try to appeal to their weird, transphobia rooted perspective.

    • iso@lemmy.dbzer0.comOP
      1·
      1 year ago

      Yeah, I feel you, but given that we can’t change society overnight, this ultimately becomes a circumstance we have to deal with, unfortunately :/

  • Ada@lemmy.blahaj.zoneMEnglish
    1·
    1 year ago

    Unfortunately, the only people who aren’t going to treat you like a novelty are people that you aren’t a novelty to, and we are a novelty to most cis people, even the supportive ones

    I don’t think there is an easy answer to this :/

  • temeela [she/them]@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    1·
    1 year ago

    Transphobia in lesbian spaces is there I’m afraid, I feel like it is somewhat there, even if in a ““non-malignant”” kind of way, in any space with cis people just by virtue of societal values and a long list of etceteras. Best advice I can give, if possible find a space that is explicitly trans-inclusive, not just LGBTQ, but Trans in particular, you’ll have more of a chance of lesbians there being more open and experienced being around trans people, not a silver bullet by any means, but it’ll be a bit better.

    So yeah, trust me can relate, we are all together climbing this mountain, just make sure you stop from time to time to rest at some safe spaces, we’ll provide some needed break and some virtual hugs and support, best of luck to you in the climb sister!

  • flora_explora@beehaw.org
    1·
    1 year ago

    As someone else has mentioned, it may be partly impostor syndrome. At least for me it is. But being out for so long (> 4 years), I can slowly accept my womanhood independently from how I present or how people address me. That doesn’t mean I’m unaffected by transphobic comments or misgendering (which I still frequently get), but that I can get angry about it instead of feeling like an impostor. I’m more and more in a position where I can claim my womanhood despite people denying it and that is a big win. I’m also less prone to feeling like shit when I haven’t shaved in a few days etc.

    Regarding your questions: I live in Germany and in my city there are no lesbian/women only places that I know of, but most are open to women, lesbians, inter, non-binary, trans and agender people (wlinta or FLINTA in German). So these are places that should be a safe place for me as well. It still took me a veeeery long time to dare to even enter any of these spaces because feeling like an impostor. And in my case it was definitely more of my own fear then people actually excluding me.

    Although I hardly know any cis lesbians and the ones I got to know were friendly but clearly not up to dating trans/nb people. As you said yourself, the available dating pool is frustratingly small. I’ve also had various frustrating experiences with heteroflexible cis women (and even cis men). I guess mostly cis people are just very confused about me and their emotions towards me and in the end it always gets messy and I feel like shit because I feel like it would be so much easier if I were just a cis woman… :/

    T4T is great and all, but we are just so few people and it’s hard to find anyone…

    • riwo@lemmy.blahaj.zone
      1·
      1 year ago

      i think in this specific matter we shouldn’t wish to be cis but for cis ppl to be normal and overcome their subconscious transphobia, so that no one has to feel like an imposter or undesirable because of the sex they were born with. we arent at fault, its society