I know I keep posting over and over but I’m in so much pain and I have no one or nowhere to go to when I am sad. I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?” “Why am I so easy to be given up on?” “Was I even special to him?” … I cannot stop crying. I feel hopeless right now. When we stopped talking for a couple days and I reached out for closure, he said not speaking for those three days makes him realize he should’ve been more appreciative of me and how hard I tried and all those things. But if he was saying those things then why not turn it around? 😔I sound like a hopeless romantic but I can’t wrap my head around anything anymore… the closure somehow made it worse I guess. I told him I forgive him for anything he thinks he did wrong. He appreciated that. I miss him so much. I miss our memories, I miss his face. Something deep down inside of me feels like I’m going to see his face again but I know that’s false reality. We never even got to talk to each other about these things in person. I just want to cry in his arms.
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You sound very young so I’ll answer as if I was talking to my younger self,who was in the same situation (multiple times.) The answer to your question is simply “time.” How much time is in large part up to you. My advice is to cut contact with this person, or at the worst, keep contact extremely minimal (if possible.) Probably best to just forget about him, really. Next, take a few months and just chill. Play some video games or watch movies. Reach out to some friends you haven’t seen in a while. Or reach out to friends you see a lot. Get exercise. Just kick back and kinda exist for a while. Then think about getting back into the dating game. Maybe see if there’s someone single you see often that interests you. Or do phone app dating or whatever.
My point is you’re literally going to be fine and there is no reason to believe otherwise. Later in life you literally will not give a single fucking shit about this person or this time in your life. It will be a distant memory. And it will also serve as a learning experience for you, to take to future relationships. Experience like this is HUGE. Most people date multiple people seriously before finding their spouse or long term partner. All those people dealt with the same thing you are.
Hey, yeah im going to be turning 22 in august. I hate always feeling in pain, the heavy heart. I only have known him since the end of november but it felt like i had known in for AGES. this is whats hurting me so much. i was able to pour so much and open up about so much of my darkest and most vulnerable things that I never share with anyone. i dont have much friends, i mean i have 2 friends but idk ;| there is one guy who wants to see me and go out for hiking and stuff but i feel guilty, i am also scared that It will make me miss him more. but i need a distraction but im scared of a rebound happening.
Everything you’re describing is completely normal. Please believe me when I say that I was put through HELL with past relationships in my youth. 2 of the girls cheated on me, one of which I was absolutely madly in love with. One relationship was just absolutely toxic in every way. But you know what? I don’t regret the relationships at all because they tought me valuable lessons that I still use in my current relationship. I’m married now and I love my wife. It’s a great marriage. Things turned out fine. You’re gonna be totally fine! Just get out there and try to meet new people. Do whatever you can to meet new friends and potential partners. You’re gonna be totally fine.
Make sure you give yourself the opportunity to move on though. If you’re not ready for a rebound then DON’T date right now. That’s why I suggested taking at least a few months to be single. After my last relationship peior to my current one, I took 6-8 months off from dating. It was the best decision I ever made. I had to do a lot of self improvement and personal growth before I was ready to date again. I had to take care of my mental health. I had to take care of ME.
Make an effort to see the 2 friends you mentioned. Join some clubs maybe. Just do whatever you can to improve the situation. You’re so young! Enjoy yourself. Really, if there was one piece of advice I could give my younger self, it boils down to “you’re young. Stfu and enjoy your youth. Relationships at your age aren’t the most important thing. Self development and experiences are way more important.”
Yeah you’re right. I know being in pain for this is normal and it will be okay. I just hate the process :/ I miss him a lot but I also know that’s normal… it saddens me how much I tried to make things work for all my efforts to be overlooked and unappreciated. I’m sorry u got cheated on :( and I’m happy you are in a happy marriage with someone good for you 🤍I’m not looking for a new person to date but I just feel bad seeing another guy, even as just friends. I feel like I’m cheating. I know it sounds dumb but I just have this annoying guilty conscience… I’m scared. Last relationship I had was basically 3 years but after that I got so broken and I had sexual relationships with people and just found comfort and wantedness in sex. It made me numbed out. I don’t want it to happen again and I don’t think it will but I am craving physical intimacy as well. I sound like a hoe or something but idk. I also don’t want to use anyone for comfort or to dump my emotions on. I’m seeing my best friend tomorrow but idk, I don’t feel that emotionally connected with them like how I did with him obviously.
I feel like I’m cheating. I know it sounds dumb but I just have this annoying guilty conscience… I’m scared.
You’re obviously not cheating considering you’re not in a relationship with your ex. I think you know that you’re not. I will repeat though - take time to be single. You’ll know when you’re ready to date because you won’t feel guilt or shame. You’ll just be ready.
I’m sorry u got cheated on
It makes for funny stories tbh. My wife 's friends think my crazy ex-gf stories are ridiculous. They’re not just straight forward cheating stories. They have twists and turns.
I sound like a hoe or something but idk.
No you don’t. That’s a pretty normal thing people do. I did that too. I had my sleeping around phase. I’m not gonna tell young people not to have lots of sex. I think that’s something that can be fun when you’re young, if it’s done respectfully and safely. I guess older people can do it too but it’s probably not as fun lol.
Yeah, I mean I know I’m not but my brain wants me to think that I am. And thanks for not being judgemental.
I always suggest taking walks if the weather is nice. I recommend it to anyone. It’s free, not time consuming, pretty much anyone can do it in some form.
Walking works because it’s an action that doesn’t require thought. You can take in your surroundings, and place the focus on that instead of yourself. It’s the easiest way to get your mind off of something.
You can’t just walk all the time, but if the pain comes up, just walk. Leave your phone if you can, too.
I feel like a the rhythm of walking helps to moderate my thinking too. I make better decisions when walking, I’m calmer, I work things out. I’ve made key life decisions on long walks, and my partner and I deliberately take walks to work out difficult stuff. Great recommendation.
I feel like a the rhythm of walking helps to moderate my thinking too.
This is actual scientific fact. Walking is a great way to do bilateral stimulation which calms the body. It activated the vagus nerve and the and the parasympathetic nervous system. Not even counting the calming effect nature and being around a community does for you
I’m going to try to go out and get some sun today. I stayed in all day yesterday and today so far… just been eating and wanting to sleep. I’m so tired. But I’m going to grab a book, some music, walk, and see what happens then.
It feels awful to have someone completely change what they want out of life from under you. Know that he’s probably been trending that way for a while, and it just took a while for him to bring it to words.
You’re going to get angry with him soon, but what you’re feeling right now is normal. You’re dealing with grief, and there’s stages. They’re going to take months-years to work through. That’s how this shit works.
There’s no substitute for time.
Take how long you were together and roughly 1/3rd of that is your recovery time before you’re going to have this as a distant, faded, annoying memory of a time before you were stronger and a more capable partner.
If you let yourself, you can use this as an opportunity to get stronger. I know it feels like the two of you were perfect for each other, and that you’ll never find someone as special as him again, in all the ways that matter to you; and you’re right, you won’t, because you’ll find someone that will be even more special and will really get you.
You just have to hang in there and give this some time to work through. Don’t go rushing into another relationship imo, I’ve done that and it feels great in the moment, but all it does is delay your healing from this relationship even more. It will make your next breakup even worse, and then you’re trapped in a cycle.
Take some time for yourself, give yourself a minimum of 6 months before you think about or start dating again. Nobody is emotionally ready for that out of the gate unless they’re sociopaths.
You’ll know when it’s time. It’ll feel right. I promise.
Until then, hang in there, and best of luck on the anger phase of this, that was a rough one for me and lasted longer than I care to admit before I learned to let it go.
I feel angry a bit now. I cried so much yesterday when I was out for my walk but now anger is here. Obviously I’m sad too but part of me is so mad that I spent 6 months now for something to not work or to be given up on so easily. It’s so upsetting. I hate that I did it but I reread me and his messages and seeing how much I tried to make things work, for two months, be trying to fix our relationship…pathetic. I got nothing bad. At one point he was just telling me that he felt like he was always telling me how special and beautiful I am and that I didn’t let it go through. What the fuck? But a few days ago he said he should’ve been more appreciative. He’s saying these now because he realizes now when we aren’t talking that I tried so hard and he didn’t care as much as I did.
That’s the part that hurts. The hardest pill to swallow for me is that. I have only known him since the end of November but I swear it feels like I’ve known him for years. This hurts me so much because I rarely feel like this with people. This urge inside me to text him is crazy. I hate that me and him didn’t talk about it in purpose, it makes my blood boil a little bit.
Hang in there. Keep giving it more time, this is good progress you’re making already on figuring your emotions and feelings out.
Ignore anyone telling you you’re “young” or whatever. Heartbreak is heartbreak, there’s no winning or losing, it all just sucks.
Your heartache is just as valid as someone who’s been together for 50 years.
This is how we learn, unfortunately. This is an important milestone in a lot of people’s relationships, and those who aren’t going through what you’re going through aren’t better, they’re just going to have a sharper learning curve later in life when/if they do get a bad breakup. They won’t know how to process it.
Think of this like a vaccine. The earlier in life you can work through this, the better prepared you’ll be for future relationships.
You’ll also be able to use this experience to help others, like your friends, when they’re in a similar situation. Try and remember what it feels like and how miserable you feel, and don’t become detached or lofty when you see others suffering like you are now. Remember how much it hurt, and understand that’s what they’re going through as well.
Regarding the guy: Don’t reconnect, don’t get back, block, etc. This is a situation where you could easily rubber band back and forth, and I’ve been there too. It’s beyond miserable. It’s a relationship that’s neither enjoyable, fulfilling, or downright awful, but somewhere in between. And it’ll last forever if you let it. Don’t fall into that trap just because you want to feel good and reconnect and take the easy way out of this suffering. I promise, it won’t last, and then the next time around will be worse, and you’ll end up gaslighting each other, hating each other, but both being too afraid and unable to escape the toxicity.
I’m afraid you can’t really just stop it immediately. It will get better with time though. In the meantime healthy distractions are probably your best shot. When I was in similar situation to yours I started spending pretty much any free time I had on two things: running and learning guitar. Half of the time I was doing it with tears in my eyes but it was still better than just getting lost in depressing thoughts. It took me like 3 months until the breakup wasn’t dominating my thoughts everyday. It was hard AF but in this time I actually learned something, improved and rediscovered myself. Sport and music have become major parts of my life. Now, years later, I’m actually thankful for this breakup. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it didn’t happen and I definitely prefer current myself to the past myself.
You just need to plow through the hard times. It WILL get better! I wish you all the best.
I have no motivation anymore for so much… it’s diminishing. School is a burden to me now, gym I don’t even wanna go. I know I get my off days and some days I feel fine than others but it’s all hitting so hard right now. It all just feels so real (which it is) and it physically makes me start heaving. I used to be in a 3 year relationship before him and I know I can heal but this hurts so much and I only known him for like 6 months ish (end of November)… it hurts so bad. I miss him so fucking much. I just wish me and him can talk about it in person because last time we didn’t speak about our feelings we just cried and he said it’s over and cried more and than laughed it off for a bit and continued crying, we stayed friends but then I decided to stop talking because I felt undervalued and it just sucks so fucking much. His last text just confused me and there’s so much answers I want
It’s like a week since you went no contact if I gather correctly. That’s still very early. In my case, for instance, I barely left my bed for the first 2 weeks. All the other stuff came a bit later. I don’t really remember how much exactly. So yeah, unfortunately the answer is still just time.
I might have another suggestion as well. For me journaling was kinda helpful. My head was full of alternative scenarios, questions to ask and things to say to my ex. Since I couldn’t do that, writing it down cleared my head a little bit. I guess don’t do that if it will make you dwell on the breakup even more. But if that’s all you think about anyway, then there’s probably nothing to lose here.
Sending virtual hugs your way. Be strong!
his message just confuses me and I can’t stop re-reading it. It’s been a few days - almost a week soon I can’t remember, I cleared the convo because I can’t look at it but it’s on my laptop still :/ I can’t make sense out of the message.
hate to post a fb link, couldn’t for the life of me get it to work otherwise
time will heal.
one day you will remember the good times instead of the bad.
that day will come.
meanwhile, best of luck
I know time will heal but fuck… that video is pretty emotional, wonder what she is/went through. i just hate how heavy my heart feels, i hate always being in pain and being sad. I just want it all to end.
but you haven’t always been in pain.
to appreciate the good times you have to have gone through the worst times.believe me, this too shall pass. and you will be stronger and better off for it.
there is no easy way out. just know that complete strangers online have gone through what you are going through, and have your back (as evident in the comments).
and you too, will persevere. and come out on top.
hugs from an internet stranger 👥
I guess not always yeah. But it’s always lingering and every time it gets “better” it kinda plummets again. But I know this will pass and better things will come. It feels nice to talk to everyone on here 🩷
I know this isn’t super helpful right now but hear me out.
This has been many many years ago but I went through a separation for over a year, got back together, and then eventually divorced. Swore I would never put my kid through what I went through as a kid but ended up doing it anyway. Absolute worst pain I’d ever felt at the time. Lost my house, went without a car for a while. Had to move back in with my mom. Pain eventually started to subside. Met another wonderful woman. Eventually got married again. My life is way better now than what I would have been had I stayed married to my now ex. What was absolutely the most horrible thing I’d ever felt, barely even registers now.
Eventually the pain will go away. But as a therapist once told me, the only way to get over the pain is to go through it. In 20 years, you’ll barely remember it.
Give it time.
the urge to text him… but i know there is no point.
Nope. There isn’t.
I don’t want give you a false sense of hope, but if they so happen to decide to text you first: it’s okay to respond, but speak to them as if you’re friends. They have to know that you’re ready to move on. And then go from there. Who knows what could happen.
But you also have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you may never hear back from them again. And only time will help you come to terms with that very real possibility.
Is it bad that I would take him back if everything became okay? I just wish we could talk about everything in person. I never got to, when we met, we didn’t and I am so mad about that. He should’ve done it. But he didn’t. He broke up and didn’t talk through anything. I just want him back :/ but I know reality. What kills ne now is the idea that I feel like I am not worth fighting for
Why, so you can go through it all again, in less time? Then repeat in less time?
You have to love you the way you want and deserve to be loved.
Idk I believe people can change :( I know it probably won’t ever happen tbh. But it’s the fantasy in my head.
Why would they can treat you like crap and you take them back?
I know :/
I pretend (in a non-grotesque sort of way) that the other person is “dead” to me and that I could “summon” them with a “seance” (text) but it’d be terribly unnatural and there’d be an awful price to pay.
Basically if I make my breakup Practical Magic, it helps somehow heh
Please, more details
Ditch everything and go protest in California for a week.
Guaranteed to refresh your mind. Tear gas is very exfoliating and you will get in some cardio.
Seriously, though, change where you are. Go on a little vacation, get away for a bit.
I wish I could but
- my parents wouldn’t let me
- I have school rn
- low funds
Exist in and feel those emotions, and then let them go as much as you can. As others have said, time will heal this wound. Don’t run into the arms of someone else or try to numb this pain; it’s important you feel it. Rushing into another relationship will only bury this pain by putting you in an unhealthy situation; numbing it will only lead to bad decisions and possible substance abuse. Let yourself feel this way, as horrible as it feels, and understand that it won’t be forever.
You will be okay, and to be honest you will probably be more than okay. In a period that seems impossibly long now but laughably short at the end of this, you will become a better, stronger, and healthier person with a greater capacity to love and the wisdom of who better to give that love to. It is difficult, but you will survive. And then you will thrive. Love yourself and ride this out. You got this.
I wouldn’t rush into another relationship tbh… I wouldn’t be able to… would just hanging out with someone worsen things? I’m stressing because part of me still feels like I’m cheating and I’ve developed this guilty conscience after what happened between him and I. a guy wants to go on a walk with me in nature, I told him I’m going through this and he said take ur time and he gets it but part of me thinks maybe going out will take my mind off of it but another part of me thinks that maybe it will just make me miss him more.
Definitely hang out with people and try to have fun, it’ll help take your mind off things and begin to remind you who you are outside of the relationship.
But I’m curious why going on a walk with a friend in nature would be cheating? Hanging out alone with someone of the gender(s) you’re attracted to isn’t cheating. While everyone has different definitions of cheating I think most would agree that violating your partner’s boundaries around sexual, emotional, or romantic intimacy is usually what constitutes cheating; hanging out with a friend in a purely platonic way isn’t cheating and if your partner made you think so that’s a bit of a red flag in my opinion.
can I send u a dm?
I just dealing with something akin of that. I have her at my left right now choosing photos of a Paris trip I was not in. Want to tell me your story I tell you mine? Sometimes talking about it makes it heal at least a little.
;/ im sorry to hear that. and yea, DM it! please.
Hey, I’m going through something very similar rn. She broke up with me about 5 months ago and it still hurts so much. I can’t stop thinking about her. You’re not alone. I wish I had a cure, but just like you, I don’t.
How are you fighting the urges to text them? Do u mind me asking how you guys split?
Ugh good question. In the beginning I still texted her. I didn’t want to but I was unable to resist the urge. I always challenged myself to not text her for as long as I could, usually a few days. About a month later I finally stopped to when she told me it’d be better for the both of us. And I already knew that she was right. To this day, I never texted her again even though the urge is still very present sometimes. Every time I want to, I just think about that it won’t do nothing. I don’t want to be together with a person who doesn’t love me.
I did recently text her parents again though. I basically lived with her family and I miss them too, a lot. Just thanked them for everything and kinda said goodbye. At least until I get over this, then we (me and her dad) might meet again since we share a hobby that we want to do together.
We split because, long story short, she discovered that she doesn’t love me anymore. No specific reason. At least she couldn’t tell me one. She didn’t want me to be completely gone, she wanted to be normal friends but not in a relationship. I told her that this is impossible for me, it would destroy me even more, seeing someone I love who doesn’t love me back.
I’m so so sorry for this. It’s nice but probably also sad that you and her family are still close, especially her father. I don’t believe that one can just fall out of love to be honest… how? :( I feel like that’s normal with being with someone, especially for a long time. I think it’s all about reviving the relationship (doing things you used to do in the beginning, cute planned dates, etc) I know I shouldn’t be talking but I just never understood how someone can fall out of love, especially after so much time and love poured in. Why? :(and that’s how I felt remaining friends with him, I loved him and still do so much but I know I was nothing but a platonic bond to him after the breakup.
I wish I could tell you how that works… But apparently it does. There are probably reasons that she doesn’t know herself. It also took her a while to figure out where the “wrong feeling” came from. It really sucked for me too, feeling that something is wrong it the relationship without having any idea why or what. Turns out it was the lack of love I received. Reviving the relationship was also my idea as soon as I knew. But she did not want to. And I realized that if the other person isn’t interested in saving it, you alone have no chance.
Now I’m just afraid that I won’t find someone that nice again. And if I ever do, when?
I feel this. When me and him split I tried so hard for 2 months to try and fix things and try to get the relationship back but he said there was no hope and it crushed me. I spent every day of those two months crying and spiralling. And yep, I realized that too, I was wasting my time and effort because if they didn’t want to, then nothing will change :/ and that itself was such a hard pill to swallow. I know you’re afraid but you will either time, I sound hypocritical because I think the same too but I know it’s not true… it took me 5 years after my last relationship to be able to say “I love you” to him and mean it. I never felt that way, hence why I’m CRUSHED right now. But I’m here if you want to message me and vent about anything you’re thinking of or want to get off of ur chest without judgement.
Yeah exactly, it simply is the worst.
Yk, one the one side I know that I most likely will meet someone as nice or nicer again but at the same time I’m still afraid that I won’t. It just sounds impossible, even though I know it’s not. It’s weird. But thank you for that offer, seriously. Same goes for you too, of course.
You will and so will I, but we just won’t ever know how long it’ll take :| I can’t imagine myself falling for another guy to be honest. Went out the other day for my friends bday and her bf brought his friend so I don’t third wheel and I t made me miss him 100x more. Also saw someone who resembled him and tried to not cry on the street, I can’t have ruined her bday. But damn it hurt like a bitch.
Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups. So you’re mourning the idea of a successful relationship you thought you had or wanted to have (perfectly normal thing to grieve over!), but you can also celebrate that you’re now one major hurdle closer to the right relationship.
It’s a fresh start and now you’re armed with a whole lot more knowledge about what your boundaries should be, what to look for (or out for) next time.
Basically, the glass is half full! In fact, it’s more full than empty if you really take stock.
Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups.
lol what. I’ve had several relationships that were good, and then we broke up. We’re still friends, but it became apparent that we were no longer good for each other as partners. People grow and change. That doesn’t invalidate the time we spent together.
I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can’t look into someone’s head and you might never get a definitive answer as to “why” and “how” and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.
Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.
Apologies for the direct question, but how old are you?
In a couple months you’ll find someone or something new and exciting, and laugh at how this felt like the end of the world. Just make sure you don’t wallow in a pit of depression. Go out into the world. Do your hobbies. Find new hobbies.
Also, consider using more line breaks for readability.
hey, im 21 turning 22 in august…. and i know…i ramble too much lol
You have a lot of life ahead of you. The feelings will fade. Don’t wallow. You’ll be fine.
When I was a youth I had a lot of big feelings about relationships and crushes and friends. The feelings were real. They certainly took up a lot of space in my head, but they weren’t really proportionate to what was happening. Everything felt big because it was new to me. I barely talk to anyone from that time in my life anymore. I live in a new city with new friends.
You’ll be fine.
I am nearly twice your age. Pretty much everybody has been through a version of what you are experiencing. Two things you must know.
1: You had a relationship that was valuable enough to you that losing it hurt. That is special in itself, and you need to consider the good thing that you had. Seeing a concert is ephemeral, but you remember the music and performance positively. Think of the relationship this way, also.
2: Give yourself time to mourn. Mourning is natural, and it is a process, but there is an endpoint. Many have walked this path and come out on the other end.
You are young, and you will have many more experiences in your life. Some positive, some negative. But your life is far from over.
Take a day, go for a long walk at the beach or park or nature trail. Cry, weep, wail, knash your teeth. Then move on.
The secret to getting over a relationship is opening yourself up to the pain, letting it run through you and sitting with it for a while… don’t try block it or replace it and It will fade.
I found some YouTubers that do therapy type videos very comforting. Check out Heidi Priebe and another channel called actualized.org.
I found it better to be watching and trying to understand / heal than wallowing in the pain. I hope things work out for you
