I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.
If she knows the backlash will be insane and she still has to live there, totally understandable. Make sure you’re aligned on where to go with this in the future. If she truly wants to choose a life with you she may have to break with her family at some point. You can’t expect her to be ready for that at this time, but you also shouldn’t be strung along if she never sees an actual future with you. Good relationships require honesty on both sides and great communication.
Ok lots of good advice and comments but let me simplify this for you a bit more.
If you trust your partner let them handle their family, trust what they say about them. If you cant, it ups the chance of break up because she is already stressed.
Unless you suspect you are the other dude or in danger stay out of it no matter how curious you are. There is literally a community full of stories like this and it always back fires when people get involved too early.
This is exactly the right advice for this situation.
Respect her and her needs. If she doesn’t want, there are good reasons for that.
She is underage, so that also counts maybe?
Maybe she is protecting you, or herself… Can you tell?
Her family is Muslim
She is protecting herself. I’ve seen this song and dance too many times in the Muslim community. She is taking a huge risk dating you and that should be enough for you to understand. If you love her, trust her, she is protecting your alls relationship in a way you can’t.
I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country.
Unfortunately, that isn’t up to you to decide for them.
Be careful, try to respect a (probably) different culture. You will not be able to change them.
Try to find out what is possible to do and tell, and what is good to do and tell. It’s going to take some time (we cannot know how long).
If you behave respectful now, it will earn you their respect and this makes both of you a happier life.
I wanted to date a Muslim girl in high school. She said she couldn’t, because her father was “very strict and wouldn’t allow it.” We remained friends.
Conservative Muslims have a very different attitude towards religion than we in the West are used to. She may be in a free country, but she is not in a free home. She is not keeping you a secret out of shame or embarrassment.
You are not stupid for feeling upset, but you need to manage that feeling. She is keeping you a secret because telling her family would ruin her life. Learn to understand that, and enjoy what you have.
You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don’t live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family… so what to do… anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.
Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you’ll find someone else.
Muslim extremists murder or maim girls who have “shamed the family” in the west too.
You’ve already asked yourself what’s the worst that can happen. Now ask her what she thinks is the worst that can happen, and what she thinks would actually happen. Do not correct her or interrupt, and only ask probing questions so that you can better understand.
I promise you that her answers are not the same as yours.
Honestly, her family being Muslim is one of the more understandable reasons for not telling them. The doctrine of Islam quite directly prohibits a Muslim woman from dating a non-Muslim, or “infidel,” so the fear of backlash isn’t exactly unfounded.
Dude, how many stories of Muslim father’s that go fucking crazy over their daughter seeing an “infidel”, have you ignored to not understand that there is a real risk she could be under?
we live in the West and it’s a free country.
Yeah unfortunately to some people that doesn’t matter.
I assume America by ‘West’ and ‘free country’? Ya’ll are teenagers and she is a minor. Until she is in an independent position and likely a legal adult I would not engage in the affairs of her legal guardians, as close as you two may be or feel.
Y’all
I do a lil American conjugation. Prefer it to youse, at least.
They are talking about the apostrophe
Supposed to be y’all rather than ya’ll.
I know because I used the same spelling until somebody corrected me on Reddit a few years ago.
Ah I see. It took me entirely too long (now) to notice the typo. I’ll have to leave it there.
Yall is convenient and flowy. I am from the US (fml), but not from the south and use it regularly anyway because I just like it’s sound and how it feels to say.
I understand your pain. I (37m) and my husband (43m) are in a loving relationship for about 15 years now. Due to the cultural differences of my husband’s family, he has not declared our relationship to his family (living in his home country). They probably know we’re more than roommates. They like me. But nothing is outspoken. (His homecountry also has a 7y prison sentence for same sex relations)
Like peer comments mentioned. It’s their decision how and when to communicate to their family. It’s not easy, but if you truly love your significant other, you’ll find a way to accept.
It shouldn’t upset you. If it was some dumb high school drama shit that would be one thing, but she’s witholding the relationship from her family for a reason and you have nothing to gain by them knowing about it. It’s not affecting you or your relationship with her, that’s her business on her time. If you don’t like it, break up and date someone else but that’d be a pretty selfish dick move on your part.
Well it clearly is affecting their relationship otherwise OP wouldn’t be posting. They are currently having to live on edge and hide their relationship, that will have negativr effects, can’t go into the family home, maybe evenfear of being recognized in public. Its not a dick move to leave the relationship, its self preservation and can hve mental effects continuing on such a path.
His self importance is effecting the relationship. Teens have been abandoned by their families for far less, she’s protecting herself and dealing with his selfishness.
I can understand her hesitation if her parents are on the conservative side.
You live in a free country but until she is 18 the parents have a lot to say. Even after the age of 18 and moved away from home she has to consider their wishes or risk having her family refusing to have any contact.
