Hi all. For several years I have been together with my partner, who is from a different country and speaks a different language. Together we mostly speak English, but her family does not.
We quite regularly go on holiday with her family, and this is what my question is about: about (how to change) the social dynamics of such holidays.
The point is: together her family has a lot to talk about, even if it is about nothing. They have their internal jokes. They are all very much “tuned into” each other.
As a result, they find it very hard to have attention, time or space for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have to be in the center of the attention. And yes, I guess this discomfort is partly the result of the privilege of being accustomed to more open, social dynamics that are more inclusive (with my own friends and family). But after several days without talking and without being talked to, it gets quite tough.
In “normal situations” I consider myself quite social and open. But in these situations, after some unsuccessful attempts to “join a conversation”, I usually just withdraw in a book, or in my computer.
My partner is aware of this and sometimes tries to get them to involve me, but it’s very hard for them to create and maintain space for me.
I can imagine all kinds of reasons: as a family they have withstood hardship that created strong bonds. Also they don’t see each other that often. And finally they are used to me not speaking their language (in the beginning), which means that they are used to leaving me outside their conversations.
The point is: I believe they are nice people, and that they are not actively trying to exclude me. I believe (hope) that there are ways to change things around, without undermining the thing that they have going on among each other.
So this is where the question part starts: how to do this?
I was thinking of maybe proposing to play a game in the evening, in which everyone gets a turn to do or say something, which would then also involve me. Does anyone have any suggestions for this?
Or maybe you have other suggestions?
You must log in or register to comment.
Learn their language?
I do speak their language. Not fluently but enough to have a normal conversation.
This is the answer. You don’t need to become fluent or learn to read it. Just conversational so you can at least partially participate in conversations around them.
I already do. (The family doesn’t speak English so there is no other way.)
Well if you’re able to converse with them in their native tongue then I don’t understand the problem. You should be able to talk to them just fine.
I wonder if you can put a headphone in. Have your phone live translate to at least follow conversation? And maybe have your SO translate your responses?
No need. I do speak it well enough for normal conversation. I dont get all the local word jokes and sayings, but most of I understand.
I mean, if you speak their language, then try to learn some jokes in their native tongue? Otherwise, yeah, a board game or something that has you all participate.
But also, from what you’ve described, they are a close-knit family that doesn’t get to spend time together very often. It sucks feeling excluded from that, but also understand it has much less to do with you, and much more to do with them enjoying each others company for what little time they have.
Instead of a game you suggest, maybe let them teach you a game of their own? them explaining it to you, and having you screw up will probably make them laugh, and making someone laugh will definitely ingratiate you to them.
Thank you. I love this idea.
Ask your partner to help carve out time for you and the family to do something together- play cards, board games, cook together, whatever. Something where conversation can happen but isn’t the main focus.
Cooking is a good idea yes. Thanks!
