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What do you call a Rolls-Royce without wheels?
A Royce.
What do you call a line with no points?
A pointless line.
The one I told at Christmas last month.
Me: when are they going on tour?
Niece: who?
Me: The Hawks
Niece: I don’t know?
Me: you dont know about the Hawk Tua?
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam
What did the liar say?
It will all be okay.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
From Letterkenny: “What’s a Mennonite’s favourite kind of raisin? Barn raisin.”
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings… is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it’s sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he’d be a successful doctor:
“If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can’t, we pay you $1,000.”
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial <easy money> button immediately. The guy didn’t even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “Blawrgh! This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days – he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my memory.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “What, no! That’s gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days — he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: “Sir, I’ve gone blind.”
Engineer: disappointed “Well, unfortunately I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000.”
Doc: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Your mom 😎
It doesn’t even have to be contextually relevant
I can’t believe you’ve done this
Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can’t open windows in Space.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Barman asks why he’s got a steering wheel down his pants.
‘Yarrr, it’s driving me nuts’
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They’re both purple, except for Santa.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What’s brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
What’s the difference between zombies?
Zombies make honey and zombies don’t.
Apparently I’m too stupid to get even a stupid joke.
Say “zombies” aloud and it kind of sounds like “some bees.”
Yeah, I figured it out an embarrassing amount of time later.
Never mind. Ignore me. I’m an idiot.
