I find it so hard to find anyone compatible. I’m basically slowing down my dating efforts because it just makes me miserable. Are there any success stories out there? Common personality types that pair surprisingly well? Anything?
I don’t think I ever did dating. I found a human I liked, claimed them, and got married.
My partner is the best friend I’ll ever have, and someone I want to hang out with every day. I’m lucky that they feel the same way about me.
Go out, enjoy yourself, hang out with friends if you want, and you might end up keeping one. Your partner should be someone you can be around every day, through their best and their worst. Where better to start then as friends?
I do agree, but my friends are either not single or not interested or both. I guess I can just wait and hope to get lucky, but it doesn’t seem like a great strategy. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m not very social…
I (AuDHD diagnosed last year) am very glad that I met my wife (NT as far as we know) in the 90s. I think that was a more forgiving time. Since i’m completely clueless in regards to flirting, non verbal signals and reading between the lines, my (now) wife had to basically ask me to kiss her for me to realize that she might be interested in me. So I can’t really give advice other than: be friendly and wait for the rigth person to choose you. Regarding personality types I can say that I’m often indecisive and tend to overthink things while my wife is very practical and a bit dominant. It works rather well for us.
I joked with my last girlfriend that she would have had more success flirting with a wall. She tried to sit on my lap at one point and I still never got the hint.
Flirting is such an ambiguous game where you talk and act around being interested while never explicitly saying you’re interested. It’s similar to how people talk to each other using colourful phrases without meaning to say something. For example, “state of the art” is such an empty phrase to express modernity. Modern art, modern technology, modern science, modern standard of living could all be “state of the art.” Flirting, like modern language, is so ambiguous that it’s a confusing mess for me to navigate.
She did eventually learn to be more direct with me but still got annoyed because I didn’t flirt with her. While it didn’t work out with her, it helped me understand that I’d rather be with myself than to try and play a game that was designed around ambiguity. If someone is interested in me and is direct about it, I will be far more receptive to see where things go. Being direct is a great sign of compatability for me. Honesty about one’s self is also a a great indicator of a good person too.
I realized a long time ago that I a higher standard for who I want to be with so I never really pursued a relationship even though I’d like to be in one. The hardest part about that choice is dealing with the judgement and shaming that comes from others for not being in a relationship.
Flirting, like modern language, is so ambiguous that it’s a confusing mess for me to navigate.
You’re so real for this. I feel you. Absolutely bussin comment. But fr I absolutely love silly language, so this isn’t me 😅Still awful at flirting, though.
Only tip I can give (the deaf leading the blind, lol) is disregard what is said and focus on body language and time usage. Is someone spending time with you? How far apart from you do they like to stand? What direction do their feet point?
What kind of things have you found to be sticking points?
If they’ve generally been the same sticking points across many potential partners, here’s my 2¢:
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Principles - IMO I find that us neurodivergents can be really principled, it may help to try and seek someone who shares the same strong values as you for whatever it is that matters the most to you
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Something continually drawing you to a particular personality type, you could try and meet people in unusual situations or different environments/contexts instead to try and shake things up. If you’re using an app, scrap your current profile and make a brand new one, hopefully that should give you a more varied choice of potential partners IMO
Some people are skeptical of personality tests and personality traits (I’m not, having witnessed most of these traits and their quirks firsthand). You could try taking a personality test to figure out what kind of people you’ll get along with really well, helping you on your way to finding a partner.
I think my primary sticking point is it feels like I’m searching for a needle in a haystack. There are just so very few women that interest me in a sea of - for me - uninteresting women. Nothing against picnics, Netflix, and coffee in the morning, but it’s not for me. My problem on the apps is boring profiles. My problem in real life is feeling bored and/or lonely in their company. And when I finally find someone I like, it turns out the feeling isn’t mutual.
Edit: Another problem is I am pretty judgemental (shocker, I know). I try not to be mean about it, but there does seem to be an expectation of just constant possitivity towards your partner that I find really weird.
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Simple: I tried. Didn’t work, I don’t anymore.
I tend to get along with people who studied psychology, for some reason.
I tried briefly when I was younger. Never went well. Then I randomly met someone online and we had a long-distance toxic relationship on and off for about five years. I’ve been single now for about four years and am as lonely as I am terrified of trying to date again.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I should ever bother dating again. Going through therapy now, and I almost feel like my pursuit of a partner has been more like a search for a caretaker. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like me? I forget basic things constantly, I’m broke and can barely work, I’m prone to extreme depressive episodes, my anxieties regularly control me, I have difficulty trusting people outside of my immediate family, and I’m not even physically attractive.
I’m “working on myself” through therapy and all that, but I doubt I’ll ever be in a position where I am worthy of love. It’s even less likely I’ll get to a position where I can convince someone else that I’m worth loving.
Sounds really rough. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I really wish I started on meds earlier. Sertraline and methylphenidate worked really well for me. Therapy alone just didn’t cut it.
The way someone explained this to me was: you probably wouldn’t judge someone else the way you do yourself - certainly not if you knew the context and what they’re dealing with.
Why hello me.
I can’t get past hating myself long enough to see if anyone else out there doesn’t hate me too.
Got lucky and met my partner when I was 18. First long term relationship and still going strong 12 years later. We’re both neurodivergent but didn’t figure that out until a few years ago. We bonded over our interests and still do. Our dates are so much fun and we enjoy doing everything together. We also have very compatible values and even though our communication isn’t always great, we always find a way around it because we’re both really committed to understanding each other’s feelings.
I finally found someone compatible. She’s bipolar.
What makes it work is that she knows what not being neurotypical feels like, so there’s a lot more understanding and empathy than with all my previous partners.Removed by mod
Even though I am aware of sounding incredibly cliché and cringe: The more you try to force it, the less success you’ll have. Forget personality types. Forget ‘effort’. People seem to instinctlively know when you’re not having a good time or when you’re outside your comfort zone. So have a good time first, and look for a mate second.
(Also, I am aromantic, so my sack of advice is probably worth only the sack)
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Idk. Kinda hate the concept of “purity”. The whole survey doesn’t work that well in my culture.
I don’t know what is rice purity test but many peoples test it maybe it’s an fun game type haha. Watch how to play it: https://youtubetotranscript.net/video?v=ANasCaIlUMo
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As with most relationships, the “secret” is open and honest communication. It’s of course not a secret, but it is often not what people try initially anyway. I think too much of the rest of life is about the opposite that it just starts to feel wrong to be vulnerable and honest with someone. In our specific case, one of the parts of being open and honest is that we are not going to know if someone is trying to be subtle. But having a daily discussion or if you prefer to keep things spontaneous, pushing a little deeper anytime an opportunity comes up to be open with each other can help if you both feel comfortable doing so.
I have mostly only had success with dating apps, for me specifically eHarmony, I’m sure other dating apps work too, but I liked that one best when I did my research 10 years ago. I don’t know if it’s still the same. I had technically had a relationship before using a dating site, but I wasn’t aware I was in a relationship, so it didn’t go super well. Dating sites are good at making sure both participants are aware they are intending to start a relationship with each other, hehe.
You will definitely immediately cut your prospects by starting out openly and honestly. Listing your known faults, and looking for other people who have done the same. But once you find them. The resulting relationship will feel alot better. Plus, by finding someone with faults that don’t bother you, or that you are ok working with, you will have found someone that meets more of the positive traits you desire that is still on your overall level.
To give an example, most people unfortunately consider having children to be a big negative for dating prospects. It doesn’t bother me at all, so it dramatically helps me to find a much better person than I would otherwise be “worth”. I’m sure you can think of things most people would consider to be a negative that you don’t. As weird as it is to think about people this way, it can be very worth doing.
And speaking of worth, there are lots of ways to improve your own worth. Common traits that tend to help are general “handiness” around the house. Alot of that sort of stuff is way more accessible there than you may currently realise. Being in-shape, but not “too” in-shape is generally a good idea, and also more accessible than you may currently think. And while it’s not true that money is the most important thing to most people, it certainly doesn’t hurt to have. But what’s more important is job security, knowing that you have a steady job, or valuable skillset that would land you on your feet no matter what is a huge boost on average in the long term dating/relationship “market”. But on the flip side, not having a job might be the negative that someone else is looking for in a partner. Having someone available to stay at home can be handy for someone that already has enough single income to support more people.
This is intended to be written as gender neutral, but I am a guy that likes women, so that is my base perspective, some of it may have unintentionally biased the advice.
