Many many things in my life led up to me deciding that I was worthless. In middle school, my mom once actually used the word “burden” to describe me and that one stuck around in the ol’ noggin, echoing for decades. Blah blah blah, skip a few things that are only gonna bring the mood down further than I’m about to, aaaaaaaaaaaand we get to my first genuine attempt on my own life.

I’m not talking about the old “standing in the bathtub holding work lights and daring myself to do it.” No, I mean “tremors for weeks after all the pills came back up.”

Enough about that, let’s backtrack a little. As you can imagine, I couldn’t even fathom someone else wanting to be with me, I didn’t even want to be with myself! So any relationship I entered was wildly toxic. If it wasn’t already, I turned it so. And then no relationships for a while, during which time I resented everyone for my own choices.

After that earnest attempt, I found an amazing therapist. He told me one of the greatest fucking things I’ve ever heard:

CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL

I felt like this was victim-blaming, and I hated that he’d say something so reductive to me. But then he went a little deeper into what he meant. Follow along with me here:

If you’re watching something on tv and it’s upsetting, are you going to keep watching it? No! You change the fucking channel! Do you sit around listening to the same radio station when that song you hate comes on? No! You change the fucking channel! So why are you listening to the same thoughts over and over again when they make you feel bad? You gotta change the fucking channel! List your favorite family members, go practice your ukulele, run until you can’t breathe, recite as many Mother Goose rhymes as you can remember in one sitting! Whatever it is that you’re doing when you start to feel that spiral, change the fucking channel! If you’re sitting, stand up; if you’re standing, sit down on the floor; if you’re in bed, get up and change your clothes. Just CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!

Well, with THAT explanation, how could I not give it a try??? “I’m such a burden, no wonder my parents don’t love me, I’ll never be- TIME TO GO BRUSH MY TEETH!”

“They broke up with me because no one’s ever loved me, they’re all lyin- I WONDER HOW MANY SITUPS I CAN DO UNTIL MY STOMACH CRAMPS UP?!”

“Why should I even bother brushing my teeth? No one’s going to kiss me and I won’t live pas- OLD KING COLE WAS A MERRY OLD SOUL AND A MERRY OLD SOUL WAS HEEEEE!!!”

It seemed stupid at first, but it worked! Even if only momentarily, it gave me pauses from emotionally abusing myself. And here’s what’s crazy: by creating these little breaks in my self-loathing, I made room for me to learn about myself. I learned that there’s a voice inside my that constantly tells me to hurt or end myself. And when I realized that, I was able to talk to my psychiatrist about this and he gave me some pills. Not happy pills! Make it be quiet pills…

After a few months on that, I realized that my inner monologue was much more quiet. I wasn’t changing the channel in my mind as often. I had productive thoughts. And, while I hadn’t yet learned to love myself, I discovered that I hate myself less than I thought.

Fast forward, yadda yadda… I’m married now! 5 years! And we have dogs! And she’s my best friend! I also hadn’t been on my bupropion for a few years! Then, one day a year or so ago, I was walking to grab something from a cabinet and I heard a familiar old voice. It told me that I’m so lucky to be married to such a wonderful person, I should go put the shotgun in my mouth. I said, literally out loud, “NOPE!” And immediately called my doctor for an emergency appointment to get me back on my old meds. Then I told my wife what happened and asked her to please check in with me from time to time to make sure I’m not hiding a spiral.

Do I still have dark thoughts sometimes? Sure, as my therapist said, that’s normal and helps you be a more rounded person, as long as you don’t dwell on them. What’s NOT normal or okay is constantly trying to remind yourself that you’re less of a person than anybody else.

I hope this helps and I’m sorry it was so long. If you ever need to just chat with someone, get something off your chest, or ask someone for their honest opinion on whether or not you’re worth as much as anyone else, feel free to send me a message.