“Please do not put coffee grounds in the garbage disposal. This has lead to clogged drains and flooding.”

“Please do your part to keep the kitchen a pleasant place for each of us to use.”

Colleagues, 24-07

An atheist classic, judges 1:19, in which God ‘s assistance is not enough to defeat iron chariots:

And the LORD was with Judah, and he took possession of the hill country, but he could not drive out the inhabitants of the plain because they had chariots of iron.

Couldn’t tell you which verse/s they’re in off the top of my head, but there’s a group mentioned in the Bible called the “Pharisees” who, despite being outwardly super pious, were at odds with Jesus because of their hyper-focus with man-made rules and their obsession with showy shit that broadcasted their religious status to everyone around them, but failed to help anyone who wasn’t one of their own.

It’s my favorite because it sets a biblical basis for why Jesus would fucking hate modern Christianity. The hordes of people who go to church every week, wear their cross necklaces, slap the fish logo on the back of their truck… and then vote to make “thy neighbor’s” life a living hell if that neighbor happens to be something other than a straight white male christian… those are the modern day Pharisees. And the venn diagram of today’s Christians and modern Pharisees is just a single, crisp circle.

Romans 13

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. 4 For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.

6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

As a German one is immediately reminded of nazi Germany. This is of course a rather naiive interpretation but even if you take historical context into account: the Romans where not the nicest people but apparently their authority comes from God himself.

“Uh oh, the sky is red this morning… You know what they say, red sky at night is a sailor’s delight, red sky in morning is a sailor’s warning.”

Me: “JUST LIKE JESUS TAUGHT!! 😄❤️🥰”

Them: “…😐?”

Matt 16:2-3

He answered and said unto them, When it is evening, ye say, It will be fair weather: for the sky is red.

And in the morning, It will be foul weather to day: for the sky is red and lowering. O ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of the times?

1.	Psalm 137:8-9 (NIV):
•	“Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us. Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.”

• all of song of songs. The horniest book of the Bible.

• Ecclesiastes (all of it, but especially chapter 12). The book of depression.

(Not an atheist myself, but these are good ones)

Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians fondled your bosom and caressed your young breasts.

• Ezekiel 23:19-21, for being funny.

Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

• Song of Solomon 4:5, for booba.

O daughter Babylon, you devastator! Happy shall they be who pay you back what you have done to us! Happy shall they be who take your little ones and dash them against the rock!

• Psalms 137:8-9, for so peaceful.

When the Israelites were in the wilderness, they found a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day. Those who found him gathering sticks brought him to Moses, Aaron, and to the whole congregation. They put him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘The man shall be put to death; all the congregation shall stone him outside the camp.’ The whole congregation brought him outside the camp and stoned him to death, just as the Lord had commanded Moses.

• Numbers 5:32-36, for being very just.

They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys.

• Joshua 6:21, for pure savagery.

The entirety of Joshua 11, for being divinely-approved genocide that is unironically sickening to read.

When he was alone, those who were around him along with the twelve asked him about the parables. And he said to them, ‘To you has been given the secret[a] of the kingdom of God, but for those outside, everything comes in parables; in order that “they may indeed look, but not perceive, and may indeed listen, but not understand; so that they may not turn again and be forgiven.”’

• Mark 4:10-12, for featuring Jesus trolling people and ensuring that less people get saved from their sins.

He said to her, ‘Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.’

• Mark 7:27, because Jesus calls a woman who was begging for his help a bitch.

‘I baptize you with water for repentance, but one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; I am not worthy to carry his sandals. He will baptize you with[c] the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing-fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing-floor and will gather his wheat into the granary; but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.’

• Matthew 3:11-12, for saying that rabbinic Jews will burn forever.

Then he began to reproach the cities in which most of his deeds of power had been done, because they did not repent. ‘Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I tell you, on the day of judgement it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? No, you will be brought down to Hades. For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I tell you that on the day of judgement it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom than for you.’

• Matthew 11:20-24, for condemning multiple cities to being nuked by YHWH for not becoming Christians.

Then he will say to those at his left hand, “You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.” Then they also will answer, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?” Then he will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.” And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.’

• Matthew 25:41-46, for being comically disproportionate.

But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell.[b] Yes, I tell you, fear him!

• Luke 12:5, for being so loving.

And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people.

• Acts 3:23, for being so tolerant.

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and wickedness of those who by their wickedness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. Ever since the creation of the world his eternal power and divine nature, invisible though they are, have been understood and seen through the things he has made. So they are without excuse; for though they knew God, they did not honour him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their senseless minds were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools; and they exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling a mortal human being or birds or four-footed animals or reptiles.

• Romans 1:18-23, for promoting understanding and dialogue with people of different beliefs.

For this reason God gave them up to degrading passions. Their women exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural, and in the same way also the men, giving up natural intercourse with women, were consumed with passion for one another. Men committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the due penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind and to things that should not be done. They were filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, covetousness, malice. Full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, craftiness, they are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, rebellious towards parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. They know God’s decree, that those who practise such things deserve to die—yet they not only do them but even applaud others who practise them.

• Romans 1:26-32, by trying to get rid of hatred towards gay people by ensuring that there are no gays left to hate.

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not found even among pagans; for a man is living with his father’s wife.

• 1 Corinthians 5:1, because it truly makes BibleHub worthy of its title. What are you doing, stepson?

I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!

• Galatians 5:12, for being so out of pocket.

David rose and went, along with his men, and killed one hundred of the Philistines; and David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. Saul gave him his daughter Michal as a wife.

• 1 Samuel 18:27, for being the weirdest fetch quest ever.

So many to choose. How can I pick a favourite?

If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, 29 then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her;

Or, as Tim Minchin would say:

Swing your daughter by the hand
But if she gets raped by a man
And refuses then to marry him
Stone her to death!

James 5 is pretty cool. (Not an atheist, but thought you’d like it)