Sorry if this isn’t exactly the right community, I’m just going nuts and need to ask somewhere.

So I’m a 2nd year PhD student at an R2 institution in a conservative area. My advisor was offered a job at an R1 in a highly desirable, liberal area, and I was planning on going with them. Now, I found out that they’re backing out and intend to stay here.

Some important info:

  • Advisor told everyone in our department they were leaving before backing out. I told everyone I was leaving, too, and lost some committee positions and collaborators in the process.

  • My spouse and I are visibly queer, and have been harassed in our town. My spouse only moved here for me, and was delighted to find out we’d be moving. They’re completely destroyed by the bait-and-switch.

  • Advisor was actually only planning on moving because their spouse wanted to live closer to family and was currently unemployed. The reason they have decided not to move is because the new institute gave my advisor’s spouse a job in a department they didn’t like. The rest of the job offer letter was fine; they described it as good, even.

  • My advisor did not tell me about the job search when they started looking, and confessed they didn’t intend for me to come with them originally. It turns out they brought me into their lab knowing they intended on leaving me behind, and they were surprised when I asked about going with them.

  • I rotated into this lab and have funding through an NSF GRFP.

  • I have paid ~$1000 out of pocket for travel expenses and application fees to facilitate my transfer to the new school.

I feel overwhelmed; when they told me they weren’t going I just told them I couldn’t talk now and needed time to process and we would talk later. I barely kept myself together long enough to leave, but now I have to talk to them. My take is that I don’t feel comfortable trusting this person with my life direction anymore, since they would waste that much time and money and back out over something so stupid. I also think it’s insane that their spouse was the reason for the move to begin with, but is also demanding they back out because their spousal hire wasn’t good enough. I don’t know how I’m going to talk to them professionally because it all seems crazy and I get upset even thinking about it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, or know anyone who has? Advice is greatly appreciated