Hi dad, unfortunately my biological dad doesn’t offer me his support, so I write here.
I am 26 years old and I am living with my parents but I really wish I had the energies to move out. My parents are physically abusive towards one another, my mother suffers from schizophrenia and thinks everyone hates her, uses me as a punchbag for her emotions and criticizes all of my choices. My father cheats on her and is emotionally unavailable for me. If I were a normal person I’d just head out of here, but unfortunately “normal” I am not as I myself suffer from diagnosed general (and quite strong) anxiety and I think some depression as well and everything seems so difficult for me.
I also feel really ashamed for having failed college, sometimes I even feel ‘stupid’ because of it. Now I’m working as an unskilled employee, and it makes me afraid to move out because I constantly worry: will I be able to find another job?
On top of that, I feel a lot of pressure at work. I’m the only one who can maintain and develop the company’s software. While we have other team members, like an AI prompt engineer, a backup engineer, several people in sales, and a graphic designer, I’m the only actual developer. My colleagues have told me that if I left it would be very difficult for them to keep things running, and some even said they’d have to quit too. That kind of responsibility weighs heavily on me.
I’d also love to go back at college but time is running up before I lose the credits I acquired. But I don’t know how I could study while also maintaining myself with a full time job.
Sorry dad for pouring all that on you. I really don’t know what to do and I feel really lost. A hug would be more than enough.
My dear, I am sorry to hear you are trough a rough patch.
I think that for running, you need to have your legs, feet and muscles working. If they don’t, you need to go to a doctor before enrolling in a marathon. So that would be my path.
You mentioned you are not easily replaceable at work, that causes stress but also work safety. So on that front you have a bit of calm.
You may use the money you earn from there and go see a therapist. Make sure to address your anxiety. Take the time it takes, Rome wasn’t built in a day and, again, you need to be fit before “running“.
If family creates you troubles maybe you need indeed to move out (when you feel ready) because that environment may slow your recovery down. Maybe find some flatmates… and when you see the apartment also try to figure out if they seem mentally healthy (sadly people with trauma are attracted by other people with trauma).
Alternatively you may look into college but, indeed, working full time and studying requires you to be well in shape.
I wish you all the best and, at the end of the day, life is an adventure… you never know when everything starts to turn for the best.
Good luck and an hug