I’m sorry you had that experience. I had a similar, but different, experience. You keep referring to “they” who were giving you advice - who were these people and where did you meet them? It seems like this was a consistent group?
I eventually found some good advice, which boils down to:
Be honest. Be honest with people about who you are and what you are interested in. Some people might not like what you are offering. Some might even be offended. But this is all fine, as long as you are honest and respectful and talk to each woman with the assumption that the two of you are on the same team of figuring out if you are interested in each other.
Improve yourself. For most guys with dating issues, this includes things like going to therapy, building a healthy social life, being physically healthy, and generally being a happy person.
Talk to lots of women. People are different and want different things. In order to find the women who want what you have to offer, who are themselves offering what you want yourself, you need to talk to a lot of women.
Improving at these things is best accomplished from a place of a positive mindset, good mental health, and with a strong support system.
but holy SHIT did he make me look bad. I need to mention that everything he said was a lie. and I even pointed out to him then and there that going to that group was his idea, not mine, and I pointed out to him that everyone around him who was in a relationship did not do anything remotely close to what he was saying.
Then he admitted to me that A: He never had a girlfriend, B: Never dated, C: had no idea how people actually met, and D: Was possibly a virgin. In short, I was extensively more experienced than he was, despite being from overseas.
I could go on forever, but I will stop here (gotta save it for my therapist). You actually did offer some real advice, and I did go out on some brunches on meetup.com and I am much calmer than I was before, and the girls there did talk to me far more than they did previously. Doesn’t mean I am going to getting laid left and right, but it is a much better start, and I actually have far more support from my job and the few family and friends that I have contact with, I had to cut out so many people from my life it isn’t funny.
(part 1 of 2)
I need to save what I am writing here (since Lemmy is going to go down soon, sadly) and I need to save this for my autobiography for my therapist.
I am going to just write it right now. The person I was referring to was my brother. I recently 100% cut off my brother from my life and I will no longer speak to him. This isn’t something I have done on impulse, but it was more than 20 years coming. I simply had enough of his bullying, his twisting of everything I say, his accusations about me to my face, and countless other crap that I really, REALLY don’t want to get into. I even went so far as to tell both my parents that ‘This man is your son, but he is not my brother.’ He has always given me sabotaging advice and just stressed me out every single time we spoke, to the point where I would just lose it (again, almost every time) when talking to him and he is wholly and completely unaware and simultaneously does not care what an effect his words have on my emotional and mental state. I’ve been bled my heart out for over 15 years trying to show him how to communicate with me and how he is making me feel, but it is always ‘ummm, OK?’ and then he immediately returns to his old ways.
Like when I was trying to go out and meet people close to ten years ago, every single call from his was such a massive emotional drain that I could not longer socialize with people without getting them to be weirded out and straight up clam up when talking to me. One issue I had is simply getting girls (and I am referring to everyone, from 18 to 60) to just talk to me. The advise that he and others gave (and there are others) was ‘you have two ears and one mouth, listen twice as much as you speak’. This is all well and good… but if the girls are consistently clamming up and outright refusing to speak, it is kinda difficult to listen to pure silence. There are a lot of nasty people out there and constantly being rendered in a poor emotional state does not make it easier.
One other thing about him (and others, including relatives that I also had to cut out of my life) is the sheer contrarian nature of every discussion we have. I want girls, but they said ‘you gotta fix yourself up 100% first before going out’ or ‘you should ignore them and focus on (insert thing here) the girls will come by themselves and/or a waste of time’. None of this addresses that every single person saying it to me has NEVER practiced what they preached. They are always doing multiple things at the same time and going out and meeting people while doing this or that. The only take away is ‘fuck you, buddy, you don’t deserve anything. Just work for table scraps and maybe if you’re lucky a prostitute will fuck you for double price’.
I mean I mentioned my life in Dubai in brief. I need to also mention just how incredibly bizarre my life was there. I wrote over 12,000 words just detailing my first job in Dubai when I was growing up. If I had to describe all I remember we’d be going into novel length territory. On top of that, my brother (and other siblings) all went to college as young as 16 and did so overseas, away from home and my parents, meaning they got a taste of independence and the ability to explore and formulate their own independent lives very young. For me? My brother hinted that he had had fairly extensive sexual experiences well before the age of 20, and he had effectively done it all way before he was 23. But for me? I didn’t even leave home until I was 23, and I didn’t get my own place to finally stay in until I was 26 (going on 27). On top of that living with my parents was a choking experience. I can’t describe just how controlling they were on every single aspect of my life they had. They also simply did not understand even why I wanted to do things on my own, and I am not referring to major events, I am referring to really minor stuff like buying my own clothes without my mom effectively being the one to control what I wear and what I try on.
You might say ‘but dude! You’re a grown ass man! How the fuck did your mother just utterly ignore your expressions that you just want to buy your own shoes?’ Simply, they A: Straight up ignored it, saying ‘yes of course you can’ and then not, or saying ‘yes, of course you can, you are in charge, I am just there to offer you feedback’ when it is patently not true. Also she did not understand that her simple presence in following me around was highly distracting and disconcerting when I was trying to do basic things.
Even more on basic stuff. When I started working in Dubai, there were dress codes at the job that I had to adhere to. Now I am an autistic person and I grew up with schools that all demanded uniforms, so this was not a difficult thing for me to do… but for her? Every time I had to dress up it was a fight. The rules could not be more clear: You wear a shirt AND a tie to work. But she insisted that ‘your brother in Texas, they don’t wear ties there. in fact, they wear T-shirts and jeans. That looks better on you, and you are a young man, so dress like a young man!’ and she would actively fight every single step of the way until I just gave up and wore something entirely contrary to what the rules demanded. It was only when I was threatened to be fired by the manager who sent me back home that she finally let go of that… but only that one time. Every single interview it was the same fucking thing. She would insist on dressing me up like I was a toddler, and always with the same ‘In America they don’t…’ and no amount of calm and rational ‘but we are in Dubai, it isn’t the same here!’ ever got to her.
Can you imagine being someone in your early 20s and literally having to throw temper tantrums in order to just wear work-appropriate clothes every single time? With nothing carrying over to the next incident? Meaning you have to repeat the whole thing like a tired rerun every time. I have an anxiety disorder and this means when I get anxious or worked up, I REALLY get worked up, and it can hours or even a whole day for my adrenaline levels to come back down. This means that I can longer maintain a calm demeanour when going to a job interview or to work, and this is absolutely noticeable. And as you can tell, the employer doesn’t give a fuck, no one is going to respect someone whose mother has THAT much control over them when they are at that age.
You mentioned having a positive mindset, good mental health, and a strong support system. I had none at the time. Getting a positive mindset is very difficult when everyone around is always against you and on the side everyone telling you off, and it does nothing for your mental health, and I had an oppositional system. It was actually a miracle how I managed to do what I have done in my life with all that bullshit going around me. Again, I am not expecting girls to say ‘hmm, let me cut this guy some slack and fuck him’ that’s not how it works, nor would I want girls to give me pity lays or other such stuff.
And being honest about intentions is good… but you need to know how to properly be honest about your intentions in order for them to come off properly. Like when I came to Canada, I wanted to date girls a little younger than me (I was 24, so around 19-21), but even at my tender young age people saw that as extensively creepy, almost in the exact same that someone in their 50s targeting girls that young is seen as creepy. The thing is those very same people, and I have seen them, think nothing of the numerous people they know that DO have large age gaps in relationships with 10, 15, or even 20 year differences, but they did have an issue with me saying I wanted a younger girlfriend.
So you might think ‘maybe it is because you want to make that specific thing happen while for the others it just fell into place?’ I need to say something: I’ve seen how many of those others guys work. It rarely ‘just falls into place’, there is some effort that goes into it even if they aren’t conscious of it. Secondly, the reason why I wanted a younger girlfriend is not just because I wanted a younger girlfriend, I wanted a younger social circle. Period. The reason for this is due to the isolation I had and extensive controls, I wanted to have the experiences that I wanted to have at a much younger age with people of that age. I’ve also been accused of having a mid-life crisis. This isn’t the case. If that was the case it would be my 5th mid-life crisis so far, that’s not how they work.
Of course a lot of the stuff I did backfired badly. The younger crowd I did hang out with when I was in my early 30s (and I quickly moved away from) were principally a bunch of stoners, idiots, pathological liars, and directionless drifters. There was one stoner guy (who is one of the ‘them’ who gave me terrible advice) who said he would help me get laid and find a girlfriend and said he would be my wingman… only for him to do a 180 in the three outings we did together, make a completely fool out of me (not intentionally, he was just that inept and stupid) and even paint all my good characteristics as being douchey.
Like those people had gaming nights on weekends… and I made them some really, really fancy pizza. I pride myself on being a very accomplished cook. The pizza I made used a slow-rise New York style pizza dough that needs 3 day cold-rise and I made some sauce that has to be tasted to be believed. Despite this, when he belatedly ‘introduced’ to me a group organizer of a BDSM group (yes, it was his idea) he just spoke ‘this guy is freaking out all the time and thinks he can just walk up to a girl and get a date. I tried telling him, you need to spend a few months at least in a group and make friends with all her friends before you even talk to her, but he keeps talking about PUA and stuff… but he made a nice pizza it was OK I guess’ I am paraphrasing…
I’m sorry you had that experience. I had a similar, but different, experience. You keep referring to “they” who were giving you advice - who were these people and where did you meet them? It seems like this was a consistent group?
I eventually found some good advice, which boils down to:
Be honest. Be honest with people about who you are and what you are interested in. Some people might not like what you are offering. Some might even be offended. But this is all fine, as long as you are honest and respectful and talk to each woman with the assumption that the two of you are on the same team of figuring out if you are interested in each other.
Improve yourself. For most guys with dating issues, this includes things like going to therapy, building a healthy social life, being physically healthy, and generally being a happy person.
Talk to lots of women. People are different and want different things. In order to find the women who want what you have to offer, who are themselves offering what you want yourself, you need to talk to a lot of women.
Improving at these things is best accomplished from a place of a positive mindset, good mental health, and with a strong support system.
(Part 2 of 2)
but holy SHIT did he make me look bad. I need to mention that everything he said was a lie. and I even pointed out to him then and there that going to that group was his idea, not mine, and I pointed out to him that everyone around him who was in a relationship did not do anything remotely close to what he was saying.
Then he admitted to me that A: He never had a girlfriend, B: Never dated, C: had no idea how people actually met, and D: Was possibly a virgin. In short, I was extensively more experienced than he was, despite being from overseas.
I could go on forever, but I will stop here (gotta save it for my therapist). You actually did offer some real advice, and I did go out on some brunches on meetup.com and I am much calmer than I was before, and the girls there did talk to me far more than they did previously. Doesn’t mean I am going to getting laid left and right, but it is a much better start, and I actually have far more support from my job and the few family and friends that I have contact with, I had to cut out so many people from my life it isn’t funny.
(part 1 of 2) I need to save what I am writing here (since Lemmy is going to go down soon, sadly) and I need to save this for my autobiography for my therapist.
I am going to just write it right now. The person I was referring to was my brother. I recently 100% cut off my brother from my life and I will no longer speak to him. This isn’t something I have done on impulse, but it was more than 20 years coming. I simply had enough of his bullying, his twisting of everything I say, his accusations about me to my face, and countless other crap that I really, REALLY don’t want to get into. I even went so far as to tell both my parents that ‘This man is your son, but he is not my brother.’ He has always given me sabotaging advice and just stressed me out every single time we spoke, to the point where I would just lose it (again, almost every time) when talking to him and he is wholly and completely unaware and simultaneously does not care what an effect his words have on my emotional and mental state. I’ve been bled my heart out for over 15 years trying to show him how to communicate with me and how he is making me feel, but it is always ‘ummm, OK?’ and then he immediately returns to his old ways.
Like when I was trying to go out and meet people close to ten years ago, every single call from his was such a massive emotional drain that I could not longer socialize with people without getting them to be weirded out and straight up clam up when talking to me. One issue I had is simply getting girls (and I am referring to everyone, from 18 to 60) to just talk to me. The advise that he and others gave (and there are others) was ‘you have two ears and one mouth, listen twice as much as you speak’. This is all well and good… but if the girls are consistently clamming up and outright refusing to speak, it is kinda difficult to listen to pure silence. There are a lot of nasty people out there and constantly being rendered in a poor emotional state does not make it easier.
One other thing about him (and others, including relatives that I also had to cut out of my life) is the sheer contrarian nature of every discussion we have. I want girls, but they said ‘you gotta fix yourself up 100% first before going out’ or ‘you should ignore them and focus on (insert thing here) the girls will come by themselves and/or a waste of time’. None of this addresses that every single person saying it to me has NEVER practiced what they preached. They are always doing multiple things at the same time and going out and meeting people while doing this or that. The only take away is ‘fuck you, buddy, you don’t deserve anything. Just work for table scraps and maybe if you’re lucky a prostitute will fuck you for double price’.
I mean I mentioned my life in Dubai in brief. I need to also mention just how incredibly bizarre my life was there. I wrote over 12,000 words just detailing my first job in Dubai when I was growing up. If I had to describe all I remember we’d be going into novel length territory. On top of that, my brother (and other siblings) all went to college as young as 16 and did so overseas, away from home and my parents, meaning they got a taste of independence and the ability to explore and formulate their own independent lives very young. For me? My brother hinted that he had had fairly extensive sexual experiences well before the age of 20, and he had effectively done it all way before he was 23. But for me? I didn’t even leave home until I was 23, and I didn’t get my own place to finally stay in until I was 26 (going on 27). On top of that living with my parents was a choking experience. I can’t describe just how controlling they were on every single aspect of my life they had. They also simply did not understand even why I wanted to do things on my own, and I am not referring to major events, I am referring to really minor stuff like buying my own clothes without my mom effectively being the one to control what I wear and what I try on.
You might say ‘but dude! You’re a grown ass man! How the fuck did your mother just utterly ignore your expressions that you just want to buy your own shoes?’ Simply, they A: Straight up ignored it, saying ‘yes of course you can’ and then not, or saying ‘yes, of course you can, you are in charge, I am just there to offer you feedback’ when it is patently not true. Also she did not understand that her simple presence in following me around was highly distracting and disconcerting when I was trying to do basic things.
Even more on basic stuff. When I started working in Dubai, there were dress codes at the job that I had to adhere to. Now I am an autistic person and I grew up with schools that all demanded uniforms, so this was not a difficult thing for me to do… but for her? Every time I had to dress up it was a fight. The rules could not be more clear: You wear a shirt AND a tie to work. But she insisted that ‘your brother in Texas, they don’t wear ties there. in fact, they wear T-shirts and jeans. That looks better on you, and you are a young man, so dress like a young man!’ and she would actively fight every single step of the way until I just gave up and wore something entirely contrary to what the rules demanded. It was only when I was threatened to be fired by the manager who sent me back home that she finally let go of that… but only that one time. Every single interview it was the same fucking thing. She would insist on dressing me up like I was a toddler, and always with the same ‘In America they don’t…’ and no amount of calm and rational ‘but we are in Dubai, it isn’t the same here!’ ever got to her.
Can you imagine being someone in your early 20s and literally having to throw temper tantrums in order to just wear work-appropriate clothes every single time? With nothing carrying over to the next incident? Meaning you have to repeat the whole thing like a tired rerun every time. I have an anxiety disorder and this means when I get anxious or worked up, I REALLY get worked up, and it can hours or even a whole day for my adrenaline levels to come back down. This means that I can longer maintain a calm demeanour when going to a job interview or to work, and this is absolutely noticeable. And as you can tell, the employer doesn’t give a fuck, no one is going to respect someone whose mother has THAT much control over them when they are at that age.
You mentioned having a positive mindset, good mental health, and a strong support system. I had none at the time. Getting a positive mindset is very difficult when everyone around is always against you and on the side everyone telling you off, and it does nothing for your mental health, and I had an oppositional system. It was actually a miracle how I managed to do what I have done in my life with all that bullshit going around me. Again, I am not expecting girls to say ‘hmm, let me cut this guy some slack and fuck him’ that’s not how it works, nor would I want girls to give me pity lays or other such stuff.
And being honest about intentions is good… but you need to know how to properly be honest about your intentions in order for them to come off properly. Like when I came to Canada, I wanted to date girls a little younger than me (I was 24, so around 19-21), but even at my tender young age people saw that as extensively creepy, almost in the exact same that someone in their 50s targeting girls that young is seen as creepy. The thing is those very same people, and I have seen them, think nothing of the numerous people they know that DO have large age gaps in relationships with 10, 15, or even 20 year differences, but they did have an issue with me saying I wanted a younger girlfriend.
So you might think ‘maybe it is because you want to make that specific thing happen while for the others it just fell into place?’ I need to say something: I’ve seen how many of those others guys work. It rarely ‘just falls into place’, there is some effort that goes into it even if they aren’t conscious of it. Secondly, the reason why I wanted a younger girlfriend is not just because I wanted a younger girlfriend, I wanted a younger social circle. Period. The reason for this is due to the isolation I had and extensive controls, I wanted to have the experiences that I wanted to have at a much younger age with people of that age. I’ve also been accused of having a mid-life crisis. This isn’t the case. If that was the case it would be my 5th mid-life crisis so far, that’s not how they work.
Of course a lot of the stuff I did backfired badly. The younger crowd I did hang out with when I was in my early 30s (and I quickly moved away from) were principally a bunch of stoners, idiots, pathological liars, and directionless drifters. There was one stoner guy (who is one of the ‘them’ who gave me terrible advice) who said he would help me get laid and find a girlfriend and said he would be my wingman… only for him to do a 180 in the three outings we did together, make a completely fool out of me (not intentionally, he was just that inept and stupid) and even paint all my good characteristics as being douchey.
Like those people had gaming nights on weekends… and I made them some really, really fancy pizza. I pride myself on being a very accomplished cook. The pizza I made used a slow-rise New York style pizza dough that needs 3 day cold-rise and I made some sauce that has to be tasted to be believed. Despite this, when he belatedly ‘introduced’ to me a group organizer of a BDSM group (yes, it was his idea) he just spoke ‘this guy is freaking out all the time and thinks he can just walk up to a girl and get a date. I tried telling him, you need to spend a few months at least in a group and make friends with all her friends before you even talk to her, but he keeps talking about PUA and stuff… but he made a nice pizza it was OK I guess’ I am paraphrasing…