Before we became parents the concept of “Mental Load” was largely theoretical as both of us were easily able to manage the everyday logistics of our own lives. With children coming into the equation everything suddenly becomes a juggling exercise - at least that was our experience.
I’ve read in several publications that the mental load or, to use a different wording, the organisation of everyday logistics is often predominantly done by women/mothers.
We try to share all tasks as evenly as possible. We both work approximately the same amount of time. We both earn similar wages. We share costs on a 50:50 basis. We both took the exact same amount of parental leave. However, the logistics of everyday life have, without even trying to aim for that, drifted more towards my wife.
How do you go about sharing this task? What kind of technical/IT solutions do you use to remain on the same page? Is it even necessary to share this task or are there others ways to “specialise” in certain areas of being a parent?
I’m a dad of two kids, but married to a man, so we didn’t have preconceived gender roles. Instead of looking at what is fair division, look at what’s important to you and your partner. Then take that role on.
For me, birthday cakes, homemade is important. He prefers store bought. I do that. For him, laundry should be done when the basket is full, for me, it should be done when the cupboard is empty. He does that.
The issue is if one parent is doing too much or things don’t get done. The other stuff that is not important, you just have to divvy up. It’s important that you’re both clear on that. I wouldn’t to leave the cake to him and be disappointed it’s storming bought. If he’s busy and can’t do laundry, he tells me. Obviously both help out where possible. If I’m at end of closet and going a load of clothes, I do his and the kids. If he’s at the shop the day before a kids birthday, he checks it I’m baking or need ingredients.
You just need to cover the basics. The rest is as it happens. However, when simple stuff like school forms. Having one parent responsible for all permission slips means less checking with each other as to if it’s done. One parent can just ignore emails and reminders.
Thanks for sharing! It’s interesting to get the perspective from a non-heterosexual couple. We should really try to share our experience as a “regular” married couple with friends of ours who also have two children but happen to be two mothers.