“Mr. Hawking please. We heard there was a party.”

“No, no, you do not need to take us to a leader. We do not need to speak to your scientists. Once our scan is complete, we will communicate with the human we have come to see and we will leave.”

“But, why? We could learn so much from each other. Okay, more us from you, but we’re not alone in the universe, and that means so much. Please, at least talk to us while you scan.”

“There is nothing to say. Your world will either achieve the means to leave and find the rest of us, or you will not. That which is taught from the outside is unbalanced, wrong. It must be at your pace. When you can leave your star system, there will be much to discuss. Until then, it is a waste of our time, and yours. Instead, study your scans of our presence, as that is as much as any system limited species ever gets.”

“Fine, okay, it isn’t like we have a choice. The damn Morbinginan air force already proved we can’t harm you if we wanted to. And, thank you for not holding that against the rest of the nations of earth. Can you answer one question, for me, just for me?”

“Ask it, and we shall see.”

“Why did you tell the UN to have me be earth’s spokesperson?”

“You share the name of a famous earth denizen we picked up as we scanned the past transmissions of your planet, Mr Hannibal Smith. A very entertaining show, we felt. The character you share your name with seemed unlikely to have a real person share the name. We had hoped the request would keep your governments busy until our scan was complete.”

“Wait, are you fucking with me?”

“Is your name not Hannibal Smith? Why else would we request you by name?”

“I thought maybe it was my blog about astronomy.”

“Oh. A blog. How… interesting.”

“What’s wrong with my blog?”

“Nothing, of course. I am sure it is a wonderful blog. Surely one worthy of great success.”

“You didn’t even look into who I was after we started talking?!”

“If I say no, will your feelings be hurt? We wish you no undue distress.”

“No.”

“Ah, wonderful. No, we did not look into you.”

“sigh Thanks, I guess. At least I got to talk to an alien.”

“There you go! There is always light in the darkness of the void once you travel far enough.”

“So, uh, the people here are saying l have to offer you access to our resources if you change your mind and at least tell us about what other life there is.”

"No. We neither want or need your resources.

Ah, wonderful, our scan is complete.

Communications, end this call and patch me in to Mr Gagney’s line please."

---

Silence rang through the briefing room in the White House as the signal disconnected. There was much anger and confusion.

An immediate search for all Mr Gagneys started, winnowing down until an active call was identified and traced. By the fact that it didn’t trace to any location at all, the closest FBI agents were sent to make contact with Gagney.

He, at first, refused to talk about the communication. He said nobody would understand. That it was private and confidential. But the steady stream of threats and offers of rewards changed his mind.

He sat down in the chair in front of the Secretary General of the UN, with world leaders all around.

His guts were rumbling from hours of stress and and too much of the coffee that they had used as torture. Or maybe they meant it as an offer of hospitality, but damn if it wasn’t eating a hole in his ass right now.

“I don’t understand it, sirs. He just asked if I have Prince Albert in a can. I said, no, of course not, this isn’t a tobacco store. They hung up.”