1, 2¹, 3², 4, 6³, 7⁴

¹ - During the first micro-cracks that began to appear when I was still legally a child and beholden to a parent: I didn’t buy female clothes; but I definitely did buy Permanent Markers on many occasions with explicit intent to use them to decorate my body; specifically to color on my legs, ankles, feet and toes (like nail polish style). From designs resembling ladies footwear to just simply painting my nails on my feet I did it all, and frequently did so under the guise of being simply a weird fan of something.

² - Still the same timeframe as the first note but… How about instead of ever washing off my beautiful bodily ornamentation from my feet, legs, and ankles; I would instead wear high socks and pray with all my mind that the color would soak into my skin and become truly permanent. This usually resulted in me sweating the ink off into my socks, which were white often washed with bleach alongside of underwear, and therefore, my doing so wasn’t noticed, as I handled these wash loads myself.

³ - Surpressed the idea until I was 18 and told my father I wanted to be female to his face. Didn’t change anything about my situation then though, and he didn’t really support it, but he did then realize that this wasn’t just a phase of my youth.

⁴ - I don’t know about this one for certain; but most probably yes; especially once I actually cracked the first time around 18, and started to really take steps to independence so I could nurture my feminine side, which included things like buying bits of makeup and proper nail polishes like any healthy and sensible girl of my age who had just gained access to cosmetics would have done to feel like she was caring for and adding to her appearance, y’know.

I don’t think I had anything significant to report about number 5; but I think honestly it would likely have been very much real and possible had I been fully aware of trans people existing and transitioning being possible at any point before being able to afford and buy my own internet connection.

Literally wishing that I was trans so that I could access bottom surgery

1. Always playing girls or male none-humans in pretty much all forms of fiction

2. Hating the way guys treated girls (most often in dating)

3. Rejecting traditional masculinity, hated the idea that it was expected to act like that

4. Ungodly ammounts of trans related porn and no interested in traditional one

5. Very open and radical pro-choice position, even from a relarively young age

6. Being around guys was always scary and wrong, while being around girls made me feel safe and in the correct place

7. You could not bring me to undress in front of guys

A lot of mine are the same as ones that were listed, so here are the most stupidly obvious ones I somehow missed (or ignored) for like a decade.

1. I hoped my future partner would be bisexual “just in case”
2. Always being weirdly interested in watching trans youtubers and learning about HRT “as an ally”
3. And also weirdly envious of lesbian relationships, yet finding it hard to imagine myself in a relationship as a guy
4. Whenever I’d see a transition timeline, my immediate thought for transmasc ones was “good for them!”, but for transfem ones it was “dang, that’s goals” followed by “wait I’m cis, where did that come from”
5. I “knew” I wasn’t trans, but kinda wished I could be
6. Just before finally fully admitting I was trans I started HRT so I’d “know for sure”, and was worried that after starting I would realize I wasn’t trans and not be able to keep transitioning lol

I remember thinking “No way I am lucky enough to be trans femme, I am not that special.” Yeahhh… not the brightest bulb

Imagining that it was perfectly rational to keep a complete set of women’s clothes in the house just in case you end up having someone over who has somewhere important to be the next day and no clean clothes to wear.

One thing I remember is gaining muscle after working out for a few months and feeling this really confusing sadness when I noticed that my shoulders got broader. I was so confused as to why so many guys liked being muscular but it just made me really depressed instead. Took me a while to realize that that strange feeling was actually gender dysphoria.

Every girl i dated was a lesbian and I was “their only exception”.

Regularly thinking that girls got all the cute clothes

I mean, this is just objectively true, isn’t it? Men’s clothes, especially everyday outfits, are mostly boring and samey. The difference is night and day. I’ve been saying this for years.

Well among other things:

• A recurring dream where I’d become a girl and live an ordinary life; feeling devastated upon waking up back in a male body
• An detailed knowledge of the effects of feminizing HRT (I just like random knowledge, I swear!)
• Being fascinated by and jealous of trans women
• Constantly daydreaming I was a girl
• Imagining how my clothes would look if I had breasts
• Feeling uncomfortable around men; predominantly female friends (I honestly didn’t notice this one)
• Disassociating during sex and imagining I was the woman
• Unable to see myself as me in the mirror
• DPDR

And it just got worse from there. Yeah, the closet was glass.

My list is probably same as most others…

• Dating trans women
• Watching trans porn
• Jealousy of women
• Hatred of masculinity
• Nonbinary Internet persona
• Avoidance of all haircare and skincare products marketed to men
• Crossdressing while in total denial of own transness

I never really tried putting all of this in a list before. It’s always just random stuff popping up when I think about this. Some of these memories are over 30 years old. And I repressed a lot of them.
So this is just a short list. There’s more, but some of it is too personal for me to share.

• Having a phase where I tried wearing masculine office wear (but no ties) and feeling very out of place.
• Never shaving my beard, because I don’t want to see what’s underneath. Using it as a mask to hide behind.
• Hating the general shape of my body
• Feeling very out of place in all-male groups.
• Feeling very in place when spending time with the few female friends that I did have.
• Internally wincing at being called handsome
• Looking enviously at my wife as she squeezes herself in a tight pair of pants, making me wish I didn’t have to deal with all that dangling stuff between my legs.
• Being very involved with helping my wife pick out clothes.
• Playing an online game under a female persona. *Pretending* to be a girl and really enjoying my interactions with everyone. Making a few female friendships that felt genuine and made me happy. And then deleting the whole account for feeling guilty because I believed I was deceiving others :(
• Writing a game module in my teens, wherein all the adventurers were turned into women by a wizard’s curse. And dropping it after a couple of hours when I realize having six women try out different dresses doesn’t make for an exciting fantasy adventure (and was getting uncomfortably close to a truth that I wasn’t ready to face)
• Thinking how nice it would’ve been if I were a lesbian instead.
• Trying out pantyhose and wearing it under my pants when I was a teenager. (Weird when under pants, better on its own when I was home alone :) )
• Also in my teens, fantasizing an entire alternate life as a girl when I was lying in bed.
• Feeling strangely positive when a girl in my class said that I walk like a girl.
• And of course, always choosing a female character when playing games. (With a whole bunch of other in-game activities that could form a list of it’s own)

I was Narnia deep in denial, but the signs were there.

1. I knew I liked guys since I was like five, and even experimented with sex with boys at that age, but it didn’t feel quite right. I do not like gay porn so I can’t be gay, right? Better get a couple kids and a couple wives.
2. My cousin wanted to put makeup on me and god I wanted that. Didn’t dare to say yes.
3. Jokes about wanting to wear dresses because they aren’t as restricting as pants and nicer when it’s warm. A lot of similar jokes, you know the ones. “Trying to lose a bit of weight, it’s soon bikini season.”
4. I think I remember every trans reference I’ve ever heard.
5. When being depressed I constructed elaborate fantasies about myself as a woman.
6. Bad mental health

7. Always hating how I looked in the mirror. I recently realized I look kinda hot as a guy. Skinny, androgynous and a nice smile. I’d totally let me do me. Is that weird?
8. NSFW

There were other signs too of course.

• Hated being topless, even while swimming
• Curious how having boobs would feel
• Drawn to lesbian relationships
• Never even tried to look good as a man
• Been taking antidepressants since a little after puberty
• Cried when a psychiatry form asked if I had thoughts of being the opposite gender
• Hated being juxtaposed to men
• Didn’t dream much about romance or sex because every time I thought about them they would just feel underwhelming and draining
• When I imagined myself following a similar life path to my dad or any other male figure, I felt like life wasn’t worth living if that was my future
• Wished I was born a different person, because I had no attachment to who I was and nothing to lose
• Disassociating in the mirror
• Hated being seen as a big man, I wanted to be seen as soft instead
• Just like, all the signs that who I presented as made me feel awful

Getting extremely uncomfortable when someone asks you your pronouns.